Category: General

The USA Olympic Curling Team Just Clapped Back on Kirstie Alley

Who? Yea thats exactly what the US Olympic Curling Team said.

This has got to be the lowest of the low. Its one thing when a stud like Brad Marchand roasts you on Twitter, its quite another for a guy on the local YMCA curling squad to just eviscerate your entire career in 140 character or less. The worst part is they’re not wrong. And Kirstie Alley knows it. Name one thing Kirstie Alley has been in not named Cheers. You can’t. If you guessed Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, then you’re correct! If you also guessed the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air made for TV MOVIE (thats a thing?) then you’re also correct! There has also been bangers like “Fat Actress” and a one episode arc in Dharma and Greg too.

In all seriousness though, can we send someone to do a wellness check on Kirstie Alley? Someone send Ted Danson to go kick down her door just to be safe. Moral of the story? If I’ve learned one thing this winter, its that you do not fuck with an Olympics Curler.

Friday Morning Randomness – Bombogenesis Edition

I know a lot of people who could use the services of Mr. Plow today. The same people that told me what a moron I was to rent an apartment in the city. I don’t hear from them on days like this, though.

While I’m writing this they’re breaking their backs shoveling snow. When they finish clearing out their driveways I’ll be sipping on an Irish coffee during the first Showcase Showdown, enjoying my snow day. Renting isn’t perfect, but not having to lift a shovel on days like this is a major perk.

As He Awaits Trial, Alleged Ponzi Schemer/WFAN Radio Host Craig Carton is Back On the Air…Sort Of.

GothamSN – Whether or not you love or hate him for his antics, one thing everyone can agree on about Craig Carton is he’s always been someone who’s craved the spotlight…As his former co-host Boomer Esaison said of Carton after he resigned, he wouldn’t be surprised if “somehow someway” Carton was “in front of a microphone again.” Sure enough, here he is once again with a microphone, a platform — and more importantly for someone like him — the attention. For someone facing a long and grueling legal battle to vouch for their supposed innocence, calling Carton’s decision to proceed with launching his own website and podcast questionable would be a total understatement.

Some people just can’t stop themselves. It would seem former WFAN sports talk radio host Craig Carton is without a doubt one of those guys. As he currently awaits trial for allegedly masterminding a ponzi scheme that screwed investors out of millions of dollars, Carton has (probably) told his legal advisors to piss off and is launching his own podcast.

Now is it smart for a guy currently under investigation by the F-B-I

to be all over the internet spewing his thoughts about anything and everything? Probablyyy not. My legal advice would probably be to just shut the fuck up and hope by some miracle you avoid doing jail time. Just pray for a white collar criminal slap on the wrist. I think pretending nothing is wrong and jumping back into the game, which will undoubtedly have your name making headlines (like this one!) at a time when you want to be off the radar is bad for business. I don’t know, kinda seems like a fucking terrible idea.

Maybe he’s just taking a play out of the Lil Wayne playbook: just get so much pre-recorded material in the can, then slowly release it throughout your time in prison so by the time you’re out, its like you were never gone. GENIUS. I changed my mind, Craig Carton is two steps ahead of all of us. I’m all in on Carton’s podcast now. Final answer.

Internet Commenters Are My Favorite Thing in the World

There is nothing better in this world than internet commenters and every once in a while one truly makes me laugh out loud. First enjoy this awesomely 90’s video featuring the former Red Ranger, Jason, setting a dance stage on fire.

Enter the comment section. This guy breaks down the Red Ranger vs Green Ranger leadership power struggle like its a goddamn term paper.

Bravo. Never change internet, never change.

While Donald Trump and the Ball Family Celebrate, American Football Player Has Been Stuck in Chinese Prison for 14 Months

YahooWendell Brown, 30, is a former football star in Detroit, a standout at powerhouse King High School and then a three-year starting linebacker at Ball State in Indiana where he graduated in 2009. He later played for the Winnipeg Blue Bombers of the Canadian Football League, a number of arena teams and even a professional league in Austria. He also coached the game, at King High and then a season as an assistant at Adrian College, a D-III program in Michigan. In 2015, he found his way to Chongqing, China, a city of some 18 million in the southwest part of the country, to play and then, after an injury, coach in the American Football League of China. It seemed like an incredible opportunity. While there he taught English to adults and football to kids. He spoke at the U.S. Embassy about the game. To supplement his income, he opened a cross training business, Brown Elite Fitness. As a 6-foot, 225-pound African-American in the middle of China, he stood out. Brown is in incredible physical condition and was a cast member once on the Discovery Network reality television show, “American Muscle.” Pictures of him putting middle-aged locals through workouts and barking motivational sayings at them – “Elite!”, “All Day!”, “Eight Days a Week”— entertained his family back home. “We used to joke with him, ‘You look like Billy Blanks,’ ” Antoinette said with a laugh. Life was great until Sept. 24, 2016, when Brown attended a birthday party for a friend at a bar. As Wendell’s side tells it, he struggled to blend in when out on the town because many Chinese assumed he was either rich or famous. That night some men wanted to drink with him, but Brown declined. They got angry and a dispute broke out. Brown was later arrested for hitting a man. Brown claimed he never hit anyone and only raised his arms to block bottles being thrown at him. Regardless, Brown was taken to the Chongqing Jiangbei detention center. He had never before been arrested. Faced with no American-style bail available, no discovery process about the evidence against him and a confusing array of laws that bear little resemblance to the United States, he’s spent the past 14 months in a Chinese jail.

This is insanity. The guy got in a bar fight and has been in jail for 14 fucking months. That is absolutely criminal. This is why I don’t want to travel anywhere. I’m cool with Boston, LA, maybe sprinkle in some of the midwest. Its either ISIS bullshit or school shootings or corrupt ass foreign governments locking you up and throwing away the key. You can’t win, which is why I cringe every time somebody posts that misguided fucking Jeff Daniels speech from the Newsroom about how America isn’t the best country in the world anymore.

Um, yea it still is. You do something bad in America, you get treated fairly (for the most part) and punished accordingly with the crime. But you find yourself in a bad situation in another country like Wendell Brown did and boom you’re in jail for over a year.

Unless you’re a pseudo celebrity like LiAngelo Ball you’re basically fucked. According to this Dan Wetzel article the conviction rate of Chinese prosecutors is 99.2%. That is not okay. This is why I prefer to go somewhere I can blend in and being a 5’8″ white guy with a red beard, there’s not many places I can do that besides maybe Ireland or England.

You just know this guy was a target being a 6 foot tall black dude walking around the streets of China. Every dickhead always wants to start shit with the outsider. Doesn’t matter if its Faneuil Hall or fucking Hong Kong.

According to Brown’s friends who attended the trial, the evidence against him fell apart. The Chinese don’t release details or evidence and there is no independent media in China, however, his friends said the video surveillance showed he didn’t hit anyone, let alone with a bottle like it was alleged. It was revealed the man who claimed he was hit and had his eye injured by Brown, actually had suffered the injury in a previous incident, according to Brown’s friends. They claim Brown took the stand in his own defense and was compelling and convincing, noting that considering his size and strength, had he wanted to fight there would have been significant injuries. That was July. There is still no verdict. It’s been four months without a ruling and no one knows when, if ever, one will come.”

Now he faces 3-10 years in jail for something as small as a bar fight. As Brown said in his own defense, if he *really* wanted to fight he would have done some damage. He probably could have just caved in the faces of half a dozen Chinese dudes before any could have stopped him.

We joke about the hollow nature of internet condolences, but seriously prayers to this guy. Hey Donald, you think you can swing back into China like when Costanza forgot his hat and get Xi to spring this dude too? Lets stop letting our own people get locked up abroad for nothing.

Scientists Just Changed the Rules on Blood Pressure. Half of Americans Now Have High Blood Pressure

Yahoo – New guidelines lower the threshold for high blood pressure, adding 30 million Americans to those who have the condition, which now plagues nearly half of U.S. adults. High pressure, which for decades has been a top reading of at least 140 or a bottom one of 90, drops to 130 over 80 in advice announced Monday by a dozen medical groups.

In the ultimate bait and switch, half of Americans now apparently have high blood pressure. Well, fuck. This is the definition of moving the goal posts. Americans are phenomenal at getting things done on deadline and finishing things just enough to be passable. Procrastination and doing the bare minimum. Thats what makes America great again.

So if you tell us for decades that our blood pressure needs to be X, then we (except for the morbidly obese) will get somewhere around that number. No ones trying to be an Olympic athlete and have even better BP for no damn reason. So when you scientists up and change the rules on us under the darkness of night, well then we’re all up shits creek.

Telling us that we’re now all suffering from high blood pressure seems like a great way to sell more high blood pressure medicine, but hey maybe thats just me being a big time conspiracy guy. Either way, my blood pressure levels are going to act as if its November 12th, 2017, right before this story broke, and not a day later.

“The change means an additional 14 percent of U.S. adults have the problem, but only 2 percent of these newly added people need medication right away; the rest should try healthier lifestyles, which get much stronger emphasis in the new advice. Poor diets, lack of exercise and other bad habits cause 90 percent of high blood pressure.”

Apparently the new norm is 120/80 vs the previous 140/90. Welp, despite my diet of GrubHub and binging episodes of Dexter somehow I’m at 121/83 so…sucks to be you guys. Good luck with getting your blood pressure under control before your heart explodes.

Pedialyte Just Changed the Game with Hangover Freeze Pops

Pedialyte just changed. the. game. I had friends in college who would swear by Pedialyte as the drink of choice for a hangover, but I never dabbled myself. Just never felt the urge to walk down the aisles in the grocery store and feel those eyes on me. That shame. When you’re buying Pedialyte people know either you have a kid who needs his electrolytes or you got black out drunk last night and need a fix. Well Pedialyte just went and flipped the game on its head with these Hangover Freeze Pops.

Huge freeze pop guy. In fact I once ate a whole box of them with a friend when we were like 12. Juvenile diabetes like you read about. But you can bet your ass I’ll be buying a box of these (hopefully) hangover curing freeze pops. It would seem like Pedialyte is in the midst of a re-brand too, targeting 20 something degenerates like myself. Seriously, check out some of their other recent tweets.

GET IT PEDIALYTE! YOU PARTY ANIMAL!

Do you enjoy getting shithoused watching your favorite football team? Pedialyte’s there for your irresponsible ass.

Tryna get day drunk? Lets get after it.

Long night of vodka and drinking out of dick shaped straws? Pedialyte it is.

I am all about this new look Pedialyte. I no longer will be shamed using a kid’s medicine for debaucherous purposes. Crack open a couple freeze pops and fire up the Netflix.

Facebook is Stopping Your Nudes from Leaking…by Asking You to Send Facebook Your Nudes Directly

Ad AgeFacebook is fighting revenge porn in Australia … by asking for access to people’s nude photos. And the Australian government is involved in the effort. This all requires a bit more explanation: Australia is one of a few pilot countries testing a way to stop revenge porn before it happens, as the Australian Broadcasting Corporation, or ABC, reports. People worried their photos might leak online can contact the governmental e-Safety Commissioner, which might ask them to send themselves their own nude images on Messenger. Then Facebook will flag them. If anybody else tries to upload the photo on Facebook or Instagram, they won’t be able to, ABC says. And in case you’re worried, Facebook won’t keep your sexy shots on their servers, ABC says: “They’re not storing the image, they’re storing the link and using artificial intelligence and other photo-matching technologies,” e-Safety Commissioner Julie Inman Grant told ABC.

So Facebook is going to prevent my nudes from leaking by having me cut out the middle man and just send you my nudes directly?

You wanna know how to avoid having naked pictures of yourself end up where they shouldn’t? Don’t send them to dickheads, and turn off the cloud. Thats all ya need to do. That 28-year-old man-child who lives in his parents’ basement and still gets hammered at Applebee’s every weekend? Yea, he’s probably not worthy of your nudes. Its like Glengarry Glen Ross.

“These are the Glengarry leads. And to you they’re gold. And you don’t get them. Why? Because to give them to you is just throwing them away. They’re for closers”

And turn off the goddamn cloud. You know how many times my iPhone has told me its once again failed to sync with the cloud? No shit, phone. Its like Steve Jobs is just ITCHING to see all the pics of my dog on my iPhone. I remember The Fappening. The cloud got hacked and people couldn’t believe it. No thanks, I’ll just store backups of all my shit on an external hard drive like a senior citizen.

So remember this about your nudes, ladies. They’re for closers.

If Salt Bae Can Make It Into a Ciroc Commercial Then Theres Hope for Us All

I feel like the internet drove right past this the other night and I need to make sure it gets the proper attention. The meme of the year, Salt Bae himself, was in a goddamn Ciroc commercial that aired during the Celtics Cavs game the other night. Ya know, the Turkish chef who became pseudo-famous for how he sprinkled salt on his goddamn meat? Yea that guy was living it up next to P. Diddy and all the other beautiful celebrities in a banging vodka commercial.

So if you’re stuck in a cube job like me, let this be a lesson to you. Don’t let anyone tell you what you can’t do. If Salt Bae can bootstrap himself from a no name chef to kicking it with P. Diddy then theres hope for us all.

Friday Morning Randomness: What the FUCK Was That Snickers Commercial?

A lot of people still haven’t seen this creepy ass commercial yet because somehow FOX and Big Candy have managed to keep it off YouTube.

But, this aired during the ALDS the other night and when I saw it I thought I had accidentally flipped the channel to SyFy by accident. Immediately hooked by the terrifying visuals I kept watching and the next 30 seconds were one of the best horror/suspense scenes I’ve watched in a long time. What the FUCK was this all about? SNICKERS! Wacky shit.

Someone dial up Stephen King and tell him he’s been put on notice, Snickers is the captain now.