After a long weekend of sun, grilling, and boozing, godspeed to anyone else struggling right now at their desk in the cubes. Nothing more sobering than a post-Labor Day haze when you realize that summer is officially over. The only thing that helps me not want to kill myself is commiserating with others so I give you the best of Office Space to get you through this trying time.
Friday Morning Randomness – Allston Christmas
Merry Allston Christmas! If you’re partaking, may the previous tenants of your new residence be long gone and may the meter maids mind their own business.
This video is evidence of a high-tech engineering success story. I strongly disagree with the guy who posted it calling it “red neck couch moving.” If MIT were in Allston, I know that Allston Christmas would be a little bit more orderly with all the engineering kids moving furniture more efficiently than Ross and Rachel.
I myself am not an engineer. That is why I a cracked a box spring in half one Allston Christmas, to prevent holding up the entire building. I am also not a great planner. That is why I once switched units on Allston Christmas between 10 PM on August 31 and 4:30 AM on September 1. Moving in the middle of the night like the Baltimore Colts baby.
Domino’s to Test Self-Driving Delivery Cars
CNET – If you’re one of a lucky few Michiganders within range of one specific Domino’s Pizza location in Ann Arbor, your next pizza could show up in a self-driving car… sort of.
Ford and Domino’s announced Tuesday that the two companies have partnered up to gauge customer reaction to self-driving cars. Instead of just asking folks on the street how they view autonomous vehicles, Ford wants to integrate one of its cars into the pizza delivery process.
After ordering Domino’s in the Ann Arbor area, the customer may receive a phone call asking if they’d like to participate in this study. If the recipient says yes, Domino’s will load the customer’s order into Ford’s self-driving car. The recipient will receive a notification when the vehicle arrives, at which point they’ll have to walk outside, input a code into a device on the side of the car, and then they can retrieve the pizza from a special window designed to keep the pizza warm on its trip.
There are two qualities I value above all others in the fast-food game: self-awareness and creativity. That’s why I love White Castle and Taco Bell. Today, I’m adding Domino’s to that list.
White Castle is the place for stoners to get sliders at 4 in the morning and breakfast at 4 in the afternoon. Taco Bell is the place where cost-conscious consumers people too broke for Chipotle go to sample an ever-evolving menu of Mexican offerings. White Castle and Taco Bell aren’t trying to fool anyone. You won’t see Frescata sandwiches there.
Domino’s has long displayed a keen sense of self-awareness. In 2009, they launched an ad campaign to apologize for how lousy their pizza had gotten over the years (though it was never bad enough to stop me from downing two thirds of a the 5-5-5 deal on a weekly basis in college).
More recently Domino’s Instagram has gotten attention for its brutal honesty. You won’t see anything like the pristine Big Mac that has never been witnessed in the wild on the Domino’s Instagram feed.
Domino’s has never been afraid to mix things up with their side offerings, either, but self-driving delivery cars takes their creativity and ingenuity to a new level. If Domino’s offered delivery pizza identical to all other delivery pizza on the market, you better believe I’d choose Domino’s just for the driver-free delivery experience. No awkward small talk with the delivery guy. No judgement on the size of my order for one. And no judgement on the amount I tip.
I only have one major concern. If this self-driving car is making multiple stops on one trip, how do I know the guy before me isn’t going to swipe my Kickers? Hopefully the food is more secure than the newspapers inside newspaper boxes.
Oh yeah, I hope the cars don’t crash either. That would be bad. But I’ll leave that problem to Ford to iron out. For now, I’ll just give credit where credit is due. Domino’s is stepping up their game, again, and I’m on board. Sorry, Papa John.
Shoutout to Dentists for Legitimately Just Giving Up On Getting People to Floss
You know when you go to the dentist and after they destroy your mouth they send you home with a little care package? They usually send you home with the bag full of new swag; a new toothbrush, some toothpase, maybe a few coupons and of course floss. Well, no more my friends. After years of going to the dentist and being interrogated under that hot light on when was the last time I flossed.
After years of that passive aggressive approach, it would appear the dental community has said fuck it, we’re not going to waste any more floss on you heathens.
Got in my car, went to check my bag and there was no floss to be found. Not even one of those fluoride sticks. It would seem dentists have had enough. We appease them, we tell them we floss, but they know we’re lying. They’re literally inside your mouth, they can tell you haven’t flossed since the Bush administration.
And now they just do not care any more. I gotta say, its kind of refreshing. Its the first time I thought, well shit I may have to go buy some floss at the store, ever. We’re all just children anyways, put the onus on us and maybe we’ll do it. But give me a free mile of floss? That shit ends up in the trash before I even make it home. Reverse psychology at its finest.
It’s Over – The Worst New Product of 2017 Is Here
TODAY.com – The latest wacky pickle product is something Walmart is calling “Tropickles,” a summer release featuring cucumber pickles floating in a jar of red fruit punch. The pickles, which were released July 14, are now being sold under the discount retailer’s Great Value brand.
I love trying outrageous new food and beverage products. I’ve yet to find a new Oreo flavor that I can’t eat a whole sleeve of in one sitting. I admire Taco Bell for its tireless efforts in innovation and for bringing new and creative products to life, like the Doritos Locos Tacos. I’ve enjoyed a few Not Your Father’s Root Beers, and know that Dougie can’t wait to get his hands on some Not Your Father’s Mountain Ale.
I love it when companies and restaurants take chances. But fruit punch flavored pickles is where I draw the line. Who the hell thought cucumbers in fruit punch flavored vinegar would be a good idea? I’m serious. I can’t think of one reason to try a Tropickle other than just to see how disgusting it is. Maybe I’ll pick up a jar and save it until December and make the guy who finishes in last place in my fantasy football league down it. It can’t be much better than pumpkin spice motor oil.
So while I’m washing down a McLobster with a Moxie this weekend, I’ll take a pass on Tropickles.
Millennials Are Apparently Moving Out of the City for “Surban” Lifestyle. I Doubt It.
Yahoo – While millennials might have once shuddered at the thought of trekking out to the ‘burbs, millennials (who make up 42% of all homebuyers — more than any other generation), are trading in the hustle and bustle of cities for less chaotic communities. And many of these “surban” environments provide millennials with the kinds of amenities they got in the city, including boutique fitness options, high-quality grocery stores and popular restaurants.
In comes the so called “surban” lifestyle as millennials are looking for the amenities of the city living with more space coupled with the suburban location.
Listen putting a Starbucks in my development is not gonna make me move out to the burbs. Do you think I live in the city because I enjoy paying through the teeth for my apartment?
No, its convenience. Always has been always will be. I used to live on the South Shore and the commute from there to downtown Boston might as well be the Trail of Tears.
Drive to the T, pay to park, get on the overcrowded train, ride that for an hour, walk to your office then do it all again the other way at 5 pm. So I said fuck that noise and moved to the city to be closer to work, the bars, the food etc. Uber legit just became allowed in my suburban hometown so I’m not exactly itching to go back to that way of life.
“Almost half of millennial homeowners live in the suburbs, and the majority stay in the same metropolitan area when they buy a home, according to research from Zillow.”
Do the people who write these articles even take a glance at home prices before hitting send? The reason most millennial homeowners (which I still believe is an urban legend) buy homes outside of the city is because the cheapest house in Boston goes for like $800k. Suburbs it is!
“While there has been a long-perpetuated myth that millennials don’t want to buy homes, the reality is that the desire to become a homebuyer still exists — the timing has just been delayed.”
It’s not a myth that we don’t want to buy homes, we just straight up can’t afford to do so. Semantics though. Ask any millennial why they might not want to buy a house though? Well whats the No. 1 thing thats set back an entire generation? Huge, crippling student loans debt.
So even if I could afford to buy a house why would I jump right back into another 30 year repayment plan? We’re all a little skeptical of getting on the books for another pipe dream. I can live the American dream just fine from my 2-bedroom apartment plus I can leave that place in 12 months or less at the drop of a hat.
Time to Make the Donuts
You may still have a slightly higher than normal heart rate this morning. After last night’s intense Game of Thrones episode the best thing to probably do this Monday morning is to try and get back to neutral with this mashup of Jaime Lannister and Internet Hall of Famer Leeroy Jenkins. Dead on.
**spoilers if you’re a child and haven’t watched GoT yet this week**
We’ll have a full breakdown of “The Spoils of War” and our weekly podcast breaking everything down soon.
UPS Delivery Man Takes Down Package Thief in the South End
If theres one group of people you do not want to fuck with its people in the service industry, ESPECIALLY delivery guys and mailmen. There’s a reason they call it going POSTAL when people lose their shit. Walking through neighborhoods in 95 degree heat to deliver you mail that you know and he knows that you will never open and probably throw straight in the trash. And on top of all that you got some shithead who’s gonna steal a package right from under this guy’s nose? So this UPS driver said nay, no more, not on my watch. I don’t care if you work at Wal-Mart, at some point you gotta take a little personal pride in your work, especially when someone is fucking with your job. I used to work as a bouncer back in the day and we routinely had to refuse people if they had too much to drink, but if you were cool about it we may let it slide. But when you’re a loud, mouthy dickhead? Well guess what? Me and every other guy making $10/hour just made it our life’s mission to make sure you have a shitty time. And thats what this UPS guy did. He had enough. You do not fuck with a man at his job unless you’re ready to face the repercussions. And in this case it was an old black man, who just happened to be a former track athlete, chasing you down and tackling you to the ground until the police arrived. Pick your battles wisely boys.
This Video Perfectly Sums Up Just Trying to Make it to the Weekend
There are few things on the internet that will just make me laugh like a mad person and I don’t know why, but this is one of them. Doesn’t have to make sense, this is just peak internet. Get in, make me laugh, get out. Just a guy trying to make it through the week without face planting into the ocean.
People In The Bay Area Are Returning Huskies At An Alarming Rate Once They Realize They Do Not Want Their Own Direwolf
ABC – A Bay Area dog rescue club says the popular show, ‘Game of Thrones’ is leading to more dog surrenders, especially ones that look like the show’s popular Direwolves. “They’d be like, ‘Oh wow, Direwolves.'” Patty LaCava could barely make it around a San Francisco block with her two huskies when “Game of Thrones” debuted.
As I pondered this article upon reading it, the “Game Of Thrones” theme music began playing in my head, as it tends to do. That foreboding musical preview of a bloody, relentless fight for power flowed note for note through my cranium, and I imagined it ending with an opening scene set not in a medieval village or castle where Lords and Ladies argued over alliances, battles, and political strategy, but in a hip coffee shop on a hill where a beat poet rallied against climate change and techies discussed new frontiers of engineering and, well, political strategy.
Needless to say it didn’t fit. And neither does large fucking wolf-dogs in the middle of a city. Huskies need room to exercise and wander and the like. A 1 bedroom apartment that may be near a BART stop but that adds up to a generous 300 sq feet isn’t exactly ideal, even if it is close to the same dog park the cute girl from the biergarten goes to.
This reminds me of when “Sons Of Anarchy” was popular and all of a sudden “Jackson” shot to the top of the list of most popular baby names. All of us on the outside looking in sort of just chuckled knowing that a.) in a a few years context would be forgotten or embarrassingly ignored and b.)these people would some day have to explain to their kid they were named after a murderous biker their parents for some reason deified. Nice work.
So word to the wise folks, don’t get caught up in the majesty of GOT. Don’t buy a Husky if you live in a studio and don’t buy a sword. At all. Leave the adventures in high-fantasy to the people best suited for it – highly paid actors who prefer Shih Tzus.
The 300s 