Category: News

Nordstrom Coming in Hot with a Bold, New Retail Strategy

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AP – Nordstrom is opening up a store that doesn’t have any inventory.

The luxury department store chain says its Nordstrom Local concept store will open in Los Angeles next month.

The Seattle-based company says the store will be staffed with personal stylists who can order merchandise for customers. Nordstrom says customers can also buy online inside the store or pick up online orders the same day.

A lot of struggling retailers have been closing brick-and-mortar locations (thanks millennials!) in order to hawk more merchandise online and better compete against Amazon, et al. Not Nordstrom, though.

Nordstrom is going in the opposite direction. Nordstrom is going to open up more brick-and-mortar locations. How are they doing it? These new locations won’t actually sell any merchandise.

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To better explain how utterly absurd this idea is, think of it this way : this would be like Sears replacing department stores with kiosks at the mall.

The kiosks wouldn’t actually have Craftsman power drills or 16 gallon wet/dry vacs, through. Just some guys in blue polos. The guys in blue polos would show you how to order those items online yourself, in case you haven’t used a computer since the Bill Clinton impeachment trial. You would then be able to grab a quick bite at Auntie Anne’s or Cinnabon, and then come back later in the day to pick up your items.

Who wouldn’t want that superb experience?

It reminds me of the We Sell Your Stuff on eBay store from The 40-Year-Old Virgin.

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The only brick-and-mortar store that should exist solely for internet shopping is Starbucks. At least you don’t have to leave Starbucks empty handed.

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What Does Sports Pope Have To Say About Craig Carton?

Being from Boston, I don’t regularly listen to Francesa. But on a day when Craig Carton got hauled into the pokey? I figured the Sports Pope would be must-listen radio. The guy is done in three months, why hold back? If I had his platform, all I would do is kick my enemies when they were down.

But I was wrong. Just another reason to tip the cap to Kirk Minihane. When his buddy and coworker got bagged for a DUI, he did what we all would do in his position.

He busted his friend’s balls live on the air.

We’re Talking About Patriots Practice

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ESPN – It didn’t take long for one of the newest members of the New England Patriots to make some noise in training camp.

Defensive back Stephon Gilmore, who signed a five-year, $65 million deal with the team in March, tangled with wide receiver and fan favorite Julian Edelman, resulting in the ejection of both players from Tuesday morning’s practice session…

Patriots coach Bill Belichick has a non-negotiable practice rule: No fights. If you do fight, you are ejected.

I like it. Would a team with a Super Bowl hangover get this fired up in practice less than a week into training camp? I don’t think so.

In one corner you’ve got Julian Edelman, the scrappy 7th round draft pick who played his college ball as a QB in the MAC. Two Super Bowl rings haven’t tamed his drive. The 232nd overall pick didn’t make the team, and stay on the team for eight years, without some serious dedication and drive.

In the other corner you’ve got Stephon Gilmore, the new guy who signed a $65 million deal with the Patriots in March. The former first-round pick made his first Pro Bowl last year and is known for his physical play.

According to Mike Reiss’s story:

[T]he fiery wide receiver took exception to Gilmore’s physical play and wrestled him to the ground before coaches and teammates separated the two.

Both players’ helmets were off by the end of the scuffle.

It’s understandable that two guys like this would get into a training-camp scuffle. The scrappy vet versus the physical new guy. I don’t think it’s an issue. I think it’s great to see that Edelman, 31, isn’t slowing down or backing down, and that Gilmore isn’t taking crap from anyone. He might take some 15 yard penalties in the fall, but that’s okay every once in a while.

The Patriots have been so good for so long, it seems like training camp often comes and goes without anything notable happening. I’m hopeful that this is a good sign that this team is still hungry, and will be ready to roll on September 7.

What if Dennis Rodman Gets Taken Prisoner in North Korea and Directly Starts WW3?

ESPN – Dennis Rodman, the former NBA bad boy who has palled around with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, began sightseeing in Pyongyang on Wednesday during a trip he said he hoped will “open a door” for his former “Celebrity Apprentice” boss — U.S. President Donald Trump.

Dennis Rodman is back in Pyongyang essentially writing the script for a movie that will put Kazaam and Shaq Fu in a bodybag. The words “Based on a true story” make the cash register ring homie. Not to mention, he’s legit getting the job done.

“Hours after his arrival, U.S. Secretary of State Rex Tillerson announced that North Korea had released an American student serving a 15-year prison term with hard labor for alleged anti-state acts.”

Coincidence? I think not. While the rest of us are nervously laughing every time a North Korean test missile crashes into the ocean, Rodman is getting the royal treatment from Kim Jong Un as they probably party like kings.

Rodman is basically the real life version of James Franco in The Interview. There is no acting here, these guys are legit buds. These two are probably commiserating over the fact that the rest of the world thinks they’re both batshit crazy.

But what if they get in a spat? What if there’s a disagreement? Ya know who’s not understanding and reasonable? A goddamn dictator of an isolated nation.

So what happens if North Korea takes Dennis Rodman prisoner? You think Donald Trump is gonna let Kim Jong Un cuck him and steal America’s Greatest Rebounder of All-Time? FUCK NO. Donnie will be invading North Korea the next day. And that’s how World War 3 starts my friends. Not because of ISIS. Because of Dennis fucking Rodman.

Plus you just know, DJT would be live tweeting the whole thing from the White House grinning like a madman.

#TBT – The Museum

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Star Tribune — Green Heinz ketchup? Fat-free Pringles? Colgate frozen lasagna? You don’t need to be an expert to know these products weren’t successful.

Which is why these creations, with dozens of others, feature in the new Museum of Failure, a wacky parade of rejected products from years gone by set up in the Swedish town of Helsingborg.

They should have just named this place the “Museum of Products Millenials will Revive.” Millennials are constantly catching heat for killing archaic department stores and uninspired chain restaurants, but where’s the credit for bringing back Crystal Pepsi, Surge and Zima?

The time feels just about right for green ketchup to make a comeback. I can imagine the conversations going on at Heinz right now:

Barbecue sauce is getting too much attention these days. We were late on the bacon craze with our bacon flavored ketchup. How can we steal back market share? LET’S BRING BACK GREEN KETCHUP!

Pepsi better hope this place doesn’t have a New Coke exhibit. A couple of #tbt posts of it on Instagram and Twitter would definitely lead to a Facebook group DEMANDING Coke give it another try. As long as the New Coke marketing campaign isn’t also on display…

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The New Coke marketing campaign could be in the Museum of Failure or the Museum of Ads that Didn’t Age Well. Take your pick.

But it’s not just food!

Even President Donald Trump makes an appearance.

The “I’m Back And You’re Fired” board game from 2004 looks like Monopoly, but players use “T” branded pieces and the paper notes are adorned with Trump’s image.

“It’s a boring version of Monopoly. It’s simplified so stupid people can play it, but it’s also horribly boring,” West says.

I’ve seen the 2008 The Office Trivia Game at every Five Below for almost a decade. I’m shocked that this game never ended up there. It must really suck.

Nostalgia is big these days, so I don’t think this museum will be a failure. I just hope we get one in the states some day. I can’t wait to line up for tickets in a lobby decorated with AOL CDs.

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What the Frork?

USA Today – The days of getting your fingers dirty while sopping up toppings with fries are over. 

McDonald’s unveiled a “uselessly useful” utensil called a “frork” Monday in a hilarious infomercial hosted by McDonald’s Chef Mike and pitchman Anthony Sullivan. The frork is essentially a fork, but with French fries. 

The frork was released as part of the rollout of McDonald’s new Signature Crafted Recipe Sandwiches… The frork will be available while supplies last at participating restaurants on May 5 with the purchase of a Signature Crafted Recipe sandwich.

The frork is only the fourth most outrageous thing in this infomercial. As a matter of fact, I think it’s pretty damn clever. I’m not one to waste the lettuce and sauce that falls out of my Big Mac. That’s Big Mac Salad. The frork will help me eat my Big Mac Salad in a more civilized manner.

The most outrageous parts of this infomercial are the Signature Crafted Recipe sandwiches. I’m sure they’ll be delicious, but I’ll be damned if I can think of a good reason why they need to be on the menu in the first place. Chef Mike seems like a good guy, but McDonald’s doesn’t strike me as the type of place to go to for Pico Guacamole or artisan bacon. That’s why I loved the Mac Jr. and Grand Mac – stick to your strengths and play to your base.

If I have to buy a Signature Crafted Recipe sandwich to get a frork, so be it. But the frork is definitely more useful than the sandwich.

 

PS – Good thing this infomercial dropped on May 1 and not April 1. Definitely would not have believed this a month ago.

 

’90s Food Crushing it on eBay

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TIME – A 20-year-old dipping sauce from McDonald’s sold for nearly $15,000 after a mention in the show Rick and Morty.

A listing for the Szechuan sauce, which was released as a promotional product for the Disney movie Mulan, closed with a winning bid of $14,700.
Back in January I said “the hassle to mail a bottle of salad dressing didn’t seem worth the fifty-odd bucks I’d probably pocket after fees and shipping,” after scoring a bottle of Big Mac sauce. I may have misunderestimated.
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I’m reluctant to buy groceries on eBay. I can’t forget what happened to the dude who drank the 20-year-old bottle of Crystal Pepsi. But after all the research that’s been wasted conducted on McDonald’s burgers and fries that don’t rot, I’d be comfortable making an exception for McDonald’s food on eBay.

All that being said, $15k on McNugget dipping sauce is asinine. I’ve got a half empty bottle of teriyaki sauce in my fridge right now that I’d be happy to part with for $4500. I could even draw the golden arches on it with a Sharpie if you’d like. I’m sure my grandmother has some sugar packets hanging around from the late ’90s too. I’ll throw a few in just as a bonus.

But the bottom line is that any food product that was even halfway decent in the ’90s will get brought back at some point. Wonder how this guy will feel about coughing up $15k when this stuff hits stores again next fall. And I thought the Weymouth McDonald’s charging 25 cents for sauce was a crime.

This Week Has Sucked

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The past five days have seen tragedy, blowout losses, bad calls and shocking news in the Boston sports pages. I’m not trying to compare and conflate real world tragedies and the ultimately inconsequential outcomes of professional sporting events. But the last five days have not been much fun as a Boston sports fan.

 

Hopefully bluer skies lie ahead for everyone. Though if it’s cloudy in Toronto, they can close the roof at the Sky Dome and Chris Sale can still strike out 20 tomorrow. That would be okay too.

Airlines Behaving Badly

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USA Today – United Airlines came under fire on social media Monday after video emerged of a man being violently dragged off of an overbooked flight out of Chicago.

Video of the incident, posted online by Audra D. Bridges at 7:30 p.m. Sunday, shows the man screaming as he is dragged off of the plane by what appears to be security personnel.

The way United Airlines treated this man was reprehensible. The 300s strongly opposes passengers being violently dragged off of commercial flights. What’s that, you have four employees you need to fly from Chicago to Louisville? That sounds like a you problem, United, not a me problem.

That being said, the Twitter tough guys saying they are going to boycott United is laughable. If you fly once a year, your business won’t be missed. Also, anyone who pays for their own flight (i.e., not business travelers) who says they wouldn’t book United over another airline to save even one buck is lying. All airlines suck, so I always choose the cheapest flight. I am loyal to my wallet.

Also, this flight was from Chicago to Louisville. A quick check of Google Maps reveals that this is a drive of just over four hours. I won’t even consider flying if the drive is less than eight hours.

If you left Chicago at the same time this plane was scheduled to take off, you would’ve been halfway across Indiana by the time it actually did take off after a two hour delay. If you left your house the same time these passengers left for the airport, you would have beaten them to Louisville. Even without the two hour delay, you wouldn’t get to your destination in Louisville much later after accounting for time to get off the plane and grab your luggage.

This could be a great experiment for The 300s. I drive, you fly. We both leave the house at noon, see who gets their first. Big Z is #TeamCar all day every day.

Friday Morning Randomness

NCAA Tournament time seems like the perfect time to revisit this gem. Bobby Knight sounding a lot like me on Sunday night as my bracket crumbled like the Atlanta Falcons.

Boston College never should’ve fired Al Skinner. That being said, I wish they brought in Bobby Knight instead of the stiffs they did. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t watch that. All of sudden that BC/Vermont matchup on a Wednesday night in December looks a lot more interesting. You don’t know what Bobby Coach Knight is going to say or do next!

There are dozens of videos on YouTube with more classic Bobby Knight. Maybe the game has passed him by, but he always ran clean programs. If you can’t be good, you might as well be interesting and bring this guy in. Asses in seats, guaranteed.