Miller High Life Champagne Bottles Are On The Way

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MillerCoors – Instead of popping the cork this holiday season, the Champagne of Beers wants drinkers to pry off the top of its new limited-release Champagne-sized bottles.

Miller High Life this week launched nationwide for the first time its custom 750-milliliter bottles for the final two months of 2018. The national roll out of the specialty bottles comes after a successful two-market test in Chicago and Milwaukee in 2017 and a single-market test in Chicago a year earlier.

Not even two weeks ago, as the Red Sox were popping bottles in Los Angeles, I wondered how I could get my hands on one of those big red Budweiser champagne bottles that the Sox were celebrating with. The response I got from Budweiser was a bit patronizing:

But as the old saying goes, when God closes a door He pushes you out the fire escape opens a window. In through that window enters the Champagne of Beers in actual champagne bottles!

Brilliant move by Miller. High Life truly is the beer of the people. You don’t need to be a rich famous athlete in order to celebrate with Miller. And at $3.49 a pop, there’s lots of celebrating to do. I plan on buying as many of these bottles as I can store at my house. I’m going to hoard this stuff in my basement how rich guys hoard 20-year-old bottles of wine. I’ll definitely drink a few bottles over the holidays but will be sure to save some for future special occasions, like potential fantasy football championships.

I’ve always been more of a Miller guy than a Bud guy, and this just furthers that. Budweiser can keep its limited edition swill. I’d rather drink High Lifes with the people in the cheap seats any day. I just wish the High Life guy could join us.

Image result for miller high life guy

The New Celtics City Edition Uniform Is Damn Near Perfect

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NBA City Edition uniforms are a mixed bag. Some, like the Timberwolves uniform, are great. Others, like the Suns uniform, suck. They all feel like an obscene cash grab. Still, this Celtics uniform is damn near perfect.

It can be easy for Nike to get a little too creative and make these uniforms too busy and look like costumes. Last year’s gray Celtics uniform is a good example. Others feel a bit dull. This year’s Celtics City Edition uniform strikes a perfect balance.

The Celtics can’t really wear throwback uniforms because they’ve basically worn the same uniforms for 70 years. They’re the Yankees of the NBA, in more ways than one. This uniform feels like a throwback, though, when compared to the Celtics’ old warmup jackets:

Image result for celtics warm up jacket

Some people might call these Celtics uniforms dull, but the introduction of a third color for them is huge. The yellow is a nice touch, much better than going the easy route and just adding in more black. I would have preferred Celtics on the front instead of Boston, but I guess they are “City Edition” uniforms.

The Celtics will wear these uniforms 11 times this season. And of course, they’re on sale now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bruins Start Practice Late Then Release Statement Saying Tuukka is Taking a Leave of Absence

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First and foremost, hopefully this leave of absence isn’t for a serious issue or a family matter. The guy has not been playing well so it’s hard to tell if this is related to his play and a possible mental health day, but hopefully there’s nothing serious going on behind the scenes.

With that being said, this is odd. The Bruins started practice 20 minutes late and their franchise goaltender is nowhere to be found? Only for the team to release a cryptic statement saying Tuukka is taking a leave of absence? Again, I hope all is good on the home front, but just a weird situation all around.

We’ll update it when we hear more, but for now the Bruins will be relying on hot and cold Jaroslav Halak (he was very cold last night giving up 5 goals) and a player to be named later between the pipes.

Former Red Sox Top Prospect Yoan Moncada Likely to Switch Positions; Dombrowski Deserves Credit for This Move

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Yahoo – White Sox second baseman Yoán Moncada is “open to a position change,” according to comments made by GM Rick Hahn over the weekend. It appears to be something the club is considering as they head into their third rebuilding year, though Hahn noted that the decision would hinge on any pickups the club makes over the offseason.

It’s not the first time Hahn or Moncada has addressed the potential shift away from second base. After the 23-year-old infielder closed out his 2018 run with 21 errors and a .963 fielding percentage (eclipsed only by the Reds’ José Peraza and Red Sox’ Rafael Devers, the latter of whom committed 24 errors with a .926 fielding percentage), Hahn told reporters he believes Moncada’s athleticism will make him an “above-average defender at other positions.” Moncada himself said he’d be willing to move back to third base, a position he occupied during his rookie campaign with the Red Sox in 2016. There’s also a possibility that he could be considered at shortstop or center field, although he has yet to play either position at the major league level.

Full disclosure: I am a HUGE prospect guy. I hem and haw about every trade the Red Sox make that involves high level prospects. For better or for worse, I am very reluctant to include top prospects in a deal. Maybe it’s the Theo Epstein in me, who knows? Big Z is the exact opposite when it comes to handling prospects, but it’s what makes us different that makes us great, guys.

I think Dealer Dave has as much regard for individual prospects as a college kid has for what brand of beer he drinks, but Dombrowski deserves credit for making the right decision here.

I have been fond of beating on the drum that Dave Dombrowski primarily makes moves that any of us could make like signing the most expensive free agents in David Price and JD Martinez or trading top prospects for premiere talent like Craig Kimbrel and Chris Sale. Something that I have yet to give him credit for though is making the absolute correct decision in the Chris Sale trade.

The Red Sox coveted Chris Sale for years and the season before they finally pried him away from Chicago, reports had mentioned the White Sox wanted Mookie Betts AND Andrew Benintendi in any deal.

Obviously that didn’t happen, but when the trade was finally consummated the Red Sox and Dombrowski essentially said to Chicago we can’t give you those two guys, but we can give you our *top* prospect in Yoan Moncada, who was also the No. 1 prospect in all of baseball at the time. And again, full disclosure, I was big on Moncada so this is far from revisionist history.

Some of my commentary aged better than others…

“I feel like Costanza after he ate one of Kramer’s mangoes from Joe’s fruit shop. You want to talk about excited? How about having a player waiting in the wings that many scouts say projects to be most similar to Mike Trout…Whether he sticks at 2B remains to be seen, Pedroia is signed through 2021 so that could be a logjam issue.” – April 25, 2016

So while Chris Sale has been lights out (when healthy), it was still hard to trade away a guy as talented as Moncada. Things haven’t really gone so well for him thus far though. While still only 23 years old, Moncada has been an unmitigated disaster to put it lightly.

In 901 Plate Appearances in 211 games over parts of three seasons, Moncada is batting .234/.319/.399. That amounts to a little less than two full seasons so it’s not a huge sample size, but Moncada also led the league in strike outs last season with 217 K’s, which is alarming.

But at least he can play defense right? Well, actually he made 21 errors at second base last year, good for third in the league.

Now Chicago has publicly broached the idea of moving Moncada to another position like third base, center field or even shortstop, which makes no sense. Shortstop is a much harder position defensively with a longer throw to first. It seems like the White Sox are just looking for somewhere to plant Moncada while they shuffle some roster pieces around. It’s been reported that the White Sox are going to court Manny Machado who could play either SS or 3B and they also have another first round pick coming up in the system that apparently is a stud 2B and Moncada seems like anything but a natural second baseman.

Now just to go back to me giving Dombrowski some credit for a second; the Red Sox could have very easily traded Benintendi as part of that deal instead. So lets take a look at how Benny’s numbers stack up when compared to Moncada.

Benintendi is nearly a year older than Moncada and has a bit more experience at the major league level with 1,437 Plate Appearances over 333 games in parts of three seasons. For his career, Benintendi is slashing .282/.359/.447. The power is about even so far between the two as Benintendi wacked 16 dingers to Moncada’s 17 last season. Whether you value it or not, Benintendi also topped him in steals 21 to 12 last year. I won’t get into RBIs because thats largely dependent on the team around you, which is garbage in Chicago. In another display of power, Benintendi also bested Moncada in doubles last season 41 to 32.

Benintendi has essentially been twice as valuable to the Red Sox with a career WAR of 7.0 to Moncada’s 3.5 (3.9 to 2.0 in 2018 alone).

So it would take some serious mental gymnastics to argue that Moncada has been or remains the better prospect thus far, especially with Benintendi playing such a vital role in the playoffs for a 108 win Red Sox team.

The best prospect Chicago got in the Sale trade now seems more likely to be Michael Kopech than it is Moncada. Kopech is the No. 4 overall prospect in all of baseball on MLB.com and looks like an absolute stud in the making. Just look at his MLB.com scouting report:

“Kopech throws as hard and is as difficult to hit as any starter in the Minor Leagues, which has prompted comparisons to Noah Syndergaard. His fastball, which sits at 96-99 mph, repeatedly hits triple digits with late run that keeps it off barrels. Hitters who try to sit on his heater get embarrassed by his upper-80s slider, which features two-plane break and is a plus-plus offering at its best.

Kopech just needs some refinement before he’s ready to pitch at the front of a big league rotation.”

Butttt he only threw 14.1 innings last year as he tore his UCL and underwent Tommy John Surgery because of course he did. So as big as I am on Kopech, his timeline was obviously pushed back a couple of years with the elbow injury.

Dombrowski swung and missed on the Drew Pomeranz – Anderson Espinoza trade, but he absolutely nailed the Chris Sale – Yoan Moncada trade and to that I tip my cap.

 

#RushHourRap Run the Jewels – Angel Duster

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So first things first, if you, like me, willingly live in Boston, New York, or LA then you are a sucker of the highest order. The rent is too high, theres too many people, and the traffic is soul crushing. The only thing you can do is just put on something that goes hard and turn it up to 10. Run the Jewels does that better than most.

Red Sox Adviser and Sabermetrics Guru Bill James in Hot Water for Saying MLB Players Are as Valuable to Baseball as Beer Vendors

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CBS Sports –  In a series of since deleted tweets, sabermetrics godfather and Red Sox special consultant Bill James responded to general criticism by agent Scott Boras, who ripped teams for tanking during the GM Meetings earlier this week. In those since-deleted tweets, James called all players replaceable (transcript via Hardball Talk):

If the players all retired tomorrow, we would replace them, the game would go on; in three years it would make no difference whatsoever. The players are NOT the game, any more than the beer vendors are.

Yikes. Bill James is the godfather of modern day baseball. He made analytics, sabermetrics and Moneyball cool. He changed the game, there’s no denying that. But he’s also been know to say some pretty outlandish shit. Like back in 2012 when he defended Joe Paterno for turning a blind eye to child rape.

“During an interview on ESPN radio, James claimed…that it wasn’t Paterno’s responsibility to report allegations of child molestation to the police… When asked if he knew anyone who had showered with a boy they were not related to, James said it was a common practice when he was growing up. “That was actually quite common in the town I grew up in. That was quite common in America 40 years ago.”

Soo yea, Bill James is all over the place. Revolutionary baseball mind? Yup. A guy that probably has a few screws loose after spending the majority of his life playing baseball in excel sheets? You bet.

I can kind of understand what he means when he says baseball is bigger than any one player; its the centuries of fandom, its listening to the game on the radio with your dad, the old adage we all root for laundry. But to flat out say that if Mookie Betts, Chris Sale, JD Martinez, Xander Bogaerts and the rest of the Red Sox quit it wouldn’t make a difference?

If a high school baseball team was playing under the lights at Fenway rocking the classic white and red home unis, ya know what? That game would be unwatchable. There’s a reason minor league baseball is a niche sport in terms of spectators. Theres a reason nobody gives a shit about the CFL. Theres a reason nobody watches Boston College football. Theres a reason only degenerate gamblers watch Division II football. It’s the players. It’s the talent. If your team, league, or sport doesn’t have the best talent in the world then I’m not really interested.

Well it came as no surprise that the MLB Players Association was pretty cheesed when they heard Bill James say the players are as valuable to the game as BEER VENDORS!

MLBPA chief Tony Clark responded to James’ stunningly dense tweets with a statement Thursday morning.

“These comments Bill James made yesterday are both reckless and insulting considering our game’s history regarding the use of replacement players. The Players ARE the game. And our fans have an opportunity to enjoy the most talented baseball Players in the world every season. If these sentiments resonate beyond this one individual, then any challenges that lie ahead will be more difficult to overcome than initially anticipated.”

Not to mention, Bill James’ comments come right on the heels of Scott Boras accusing the entire league of collusion against big money free agents. So Tony Clark has every right to be bullshit here. If an employee consultant of the Boston Red Sox and someone with a vast influence as the most respected sabermatrician ever is publicly downplaying the value of the league’s players, you can imagine the conflict of interest. Maybe the GM of one team says you know what he’s right, I’ll just pay 25 beer vendors the league minimum instead and people will still show up. I mean, the Marlins tried it and they had 39 of the 50 Lowest Attended Games in baseball last year, but you get my point.

Players around the league, including the one who just won the Gold Glove for the team that employs Bill James, were less than pleased with his comments.

Even the guy who credits analytics for making him his fortune, Red Sox owner John Henry, is side stepping the bus to let his old friend Bill James take this hit on his own.

The Red Sox issued the following statement Thursday afternoon in response to James’ comments:

“Bill James is a consultant to the Red Sox. He is not an employee, nor does he speak for the club. His comments on Twitter were inappropriate and do not reflect the opinions of the Red Sox front office or its ownership group. Our Championships would not have been possible without our incredibly talented players — they are the backbone of our franchise and our industry. To insinuate otherwise is absurd.”

Live look at the Red Sox front office calling Bill James in for a meeting:

While nothing is quite as entertaining as the drama that is the NBA offseason, the MLB offseason is off to a roaring start with Bryce Harper turning down $300 Million contracts, Craig Kimbrel claiming to be the GOAT, Scott Boras blaming everyone for everything, and now Bill James is referring to real life MLB players like they’re his own personal MVP 2005 on PS2.

Patriots Titans Week 10 Game Preview, Odds, and Things to Watch For

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Image result for malcolm butler press conference

After last week’s win over the Packers, I think it’s safe to say the team is on a bit of a roll.

This week’s matchup with the Titans also marks the first of only three non-divisional games remaining on the schedule for the Pats this season. The other four consist of matchups against the Bills at home, the Dolphins in Miami, and the Jets TWICE.

Locking up to a top-two seed in the AFC looks like a foregone conclusion at this point, but this week’s opponent, the Tennessee Titans, definitely aren’t a pushover and shouldn’t be taken lightly, especially coming off a nice win in Dallas on Monday night.

As always, here’s a quick look at where, when, and how to watch the game along with the latest lines:

  • Location: Nissan Stadium (Nashville, TN)
  • Kickoff: Sunday, Nov. 11, 1 p.m. ET
  • TV: CBS
  • Odds (via Odds Shark): Patriots: -6.5 (spread) / Patriots: -270 (moneyline) / 46.5 (total)

It’s actually been tough to gauge exactly who the Titans are this season. Not only is their record dead even at 4-4, but they’ve also been quite streaky: lost to Miami in the season-opener; three-straight wins; three-straight losses; bye week; and, most recently, a 14-point win against the Cowboys.

After a rough, injury-plagued start to the season, Titans fourth-year quarterback Marcus Mariota has really started hit his stride the past two games. He looked dialed in on Monday night, completing 72 percent of his passes and posting two scores against a very good Dallas defense. His 272 total yards may not jump off the page, but 32 of those came on the ground, proving once again that he can get it done with both his arms and his legs.

Image result for marcus mariota

Mariota first made a name for himself as an exciting dual-threat stud at Oregon before being drafted No. 2 overall by the Titans in the 2015 NFL Draft. After two solid seasons to start off his NFL career – including a 3,775-total-yard, 26-TD season in Year 2 – Mariota regressed significantly in his third year last season. Even though the Titans made the playoffs in 2017, Mariota’s QB rating plummeted from 95.6 to 79.3, and he threw more picks than touchdowns.

Most people forget, though, that he was still trying to recover from a broken leg, which he suffered in December 2016; for a guy who’s used to relying on his wheels to hit peak performance, it makes sense that he hit a bit of a rough patch last year. But again, outside of some pretty horrid early-season performances this year, Mariota looks like he’s finally getting back on track. And after seeing Bears quarterback Mitch Trubisky run all over the Pats two weeks ago, Mariota can do some damage against this defense if he hits the second level.

Old friend Dion Lewis has also been playing much better for the Titans as of late. After signing with Tennessee this offseason – fresh off an 1,110-yard season with the Pats – he averaged just 3.4 yards per touch through the first six games of 2018. Then he exploded for 155 yards against the Chargers in London two weeks ago, followed up by a 122-yard performance this past Monday night. Derrick Henry was supposed to form a nice 1-2 punch with Lewis in the Titans’ backfield this season, but he has been a complete bust. This is Dion Lewis’s show.

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Still, as well as those two have played the past two weeks, the Titans offense stinks. At the moment, their offense ranks only ahead of the Bills and Cardinals, and they’ve yet to break 30 points on the year. Even worse, they’ve failed to score at least 14 points three times this season. While Corey Davis has all-world-level talent as a receiver, he hasn’t been able to put it all together and have the type of impact the Titans were expecting from their former top-10 pick. There really just isn’t a lot to talk about in terms of the Titans passing attack.

On the flip side, Tennessee’s defense is elite. They are currently ranked fifth overall, and they are No. 1 in terms of points per game, allowing just 17.6 per contest on the year. They are especially stout against the run, as pointed out by FantasyPro’s Mike Tagliere in his primer this week:

They’ve allowed a mediocre 4.03 yards per carry, but have allowed just two rushing touchdowns and no receiving touchdowns to running backs…There hasn’t been a running back who’s totaled more than 85 rushing yards against them and there hasn’t been a running back who’s totaled more than 51 yards through the air against them.

Therefore, both James White and Sony Michel, if he comes back this week, will have their work cut out for them on Sunday. Even after scoring 30-plus points in five of their last six contests, expect the Pats offense to cool down a bit in the Volunteer State. (Although there is one particular guy – with whom you should all be quite familiar – that has been a gigantic piece of swiss cheese for the Titans this season. More on him in a second.)

Storylines

(Belichick to Face One of His All-Time Greats): As we often see at least one or twice a year, Belichick will be squaring off against one of his former protégés on the other sideline. This time around, though, it’s a bit different, as former Patriots standout linebacker Mike Vrabel is now the man running the show in Tennessee. Vrabel is one of my all-time favorite Pats players. He was a key piece of each of the first three Super Bowl-winning teams, spending eight memorable seasons in a Pats uniform. He was always such a commanding presence and helped keep the rest of the team in line, so it’s no surprise he’s shot up the coaching ranks so quickly. It’s always fun to watch the student try and take on the master – usually, though, a part of me doesn’t want to actually root for the student.

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Kudos to you, Mikey. You deserve everything you’ve got so far.

(Both Teams are Quite Well-Behaved): While their effectiveness and talent-level are eons apart, the Pats and Titans offenses are the two least penalized in the league. In fact, the Titans are the only team in the league that has yet to commit at least 40 penalties on the season. This shouldn’t be all that surprising considering the coaches running both squads, but it’s tough to get either side to beat themselves.

(Malcolm Butler Has Been a Complete Sieve): Look, I’m still not over him sitting out the entire Super Bowl against the Eagles – seriously, there will NEVER be a reason good enough – but there’s no denying that Malcolm Butler has been downright awful this season. Per Rotoworld’s Rich Hribar, Butler has given up over 600 receiving yards and seven scores in coverage this season, which are both a league high. I’ll always appreciate what you did for us, Malcom, but oh how the mighty have fallen. Maybe the “revenge game” narrative will give him a spark this week, or maybe he really has just become that bad.

Image result for malcolm butler titans

It’s been a rough year for Malcolm so far in Tennessee.

(Will We Get Sony Back?): Even after Cordarrelle Patterson’s solid running performance on Sunday night, the Pats need Sony Michel back to bolster the team’s backfield. While I would rather he just sit out through next week’s bye, he’s apparently expected to play on Sunday, per Schefty:

Stay tuned.

Prediction

Even though the Titans have been solid on defense, I think the Pats end up scoring a bit more than people expect this week. Bill is going to pick on Malcolm Butler at any chance he gets, to the point where he and Josh will scheme it just so Brady has to go right at him. They did the very same against Logan Ryan – another current Tennessee corner and former Patriot – in the playoffs last year, and Bill’s just petty enough to do it again. Mariota benefits from a little home-cooking and does OK, but still only manages one score through the air. Dion gets a little revenge as well, but in the end the Pats pull it out 24-17.

The Bruins Just Dropped Their Winter Classic Jerseys

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Love the subtle nod to the Bear working tirelessly on these new digs. If we’re being completely honest here, I have to say these 2019 Winter Classic jerseys are solid if not spectacular. The Bruins are clearly looking to evoke memories of their jerseys from the 1930s when they rocked the brown and gold stripes with the large block B on the chest.

They tweaked the sleeves and the stripes above the logo slightly to give it a more modern look, but overall if you’re a history buff you should appreciate the throwback.

I do love the attention to detail on the collar though with the Bruins Stanley Cup winning seasons marked by shamrocks as they’ll be playing at the home of the Fighting Irish in South Bend.

LOVE the new patch though. That is an excellent patch. It’s unique, the green pops against the Brown, and it’s subtle yet instantly recognizable because of its relevance to Chicago and Notre Dame where the game will be played.

I think the matching winter hat is a no questions asked must buy item though.

Overall its a pretty solid sweater, I think I’m out on dropping $100 for one, but that also might be because of my PTSD from the last Winter Classic. I froze my balls off at Gillette as the Bruins got stomped out 5-1 by Montreal while I sat there in my brand new and immediately tainted Winter Classic jersey.

This is the face of a man completely unprepared for the thrashing he is about to see.

Thank christ someone in the marketing department said hey guys we have to work these jerseys into the normal rotation as a third alternate otherwise we will never sell a single one of these, even at Marshalls. So after a couple of seasons of seeing the sleek jersey mixed in, the sting has come off enough to regularly rock these again.

I think they should have owned it and gone with the old school yellow pooh bear jerseys, but what do I know.

 

Craig Kimbrel’s Agent Made an OUTRAGEOUS Claim Yesterday

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This is hyperbole that would make Scott Boras blush and that’s a guy who just said JD Martinez was so good (the best free agent ever in fact) that teams should apologize for underpaying him!

But for Craig Kimbrel’s agent to say he is the *best* closer of ALL-TIME?

Only 319 more saves to go to tie Mariano Rivera, Craig.

Lets take a look at this outrageous statement. Yes, Kimbrel is 14th all-time in MLB history with 333 saves. In fact he and Fernando Rodney, who is 11 years older than Kimbrel, are the only active players in the Top 20 in career saves. But that 333 BARELY puts him halfway to the 652 saves that Rivera racked up in 19 seasons. So if Mo Rivera pitched until his age 43 season and Kimbrel just finished his 9th season at age 30, that means he’d have to average 25 saves a season for the next 13 seasons. I know that doesn’t sound like a lot, but what position is more fickle and fades faster than hard throwing relievers?

Hell, Jonathan Papelbon is the best closer in Red Sox history, one of the most dominant relievers I’ve ever seen, and he only lasted 12 seasons (7 with Boston). Papelbon is 9th on the all-time list with 368 career saves, but he fell off the map and was done at 35.

So yes, statistically Kimbrel is definitely up there with the best closers of all-time, but have you ever really felt secure when he comes into a game? Yankees fans went two goddamn decades of playing 8 inning games because when Mo Rivera came into the game in the 9th it was over. Meanwhile every single Craig Kimbrel save is a high wire act and god forbid someone is on base or it requires more than 3 outs.

Love ya, Craig. Mean it, wish ya the best. But you are not the greatest closer of all time and the Boston Red Sox will not be paying you anywhere near what you are looking for.

So Not to Weird Anyone Out But There Are Correct Ways to Eat a Muffin Right?

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Image result for muffins seinfeld

I know your first question after reading this headline was, “Is this really blog-worthy?” Well, you see, fuck you very much.

So my office is set up funny because it is an old industrial building repurposed for use by a modern tech-centric company. There are random walls and shit everywhere because previously there were not walls in a a lot of places where you kind of need them. Like, for instance, the one between this one team’s pod (we don’t have cubes, just series of clustered desks) and the men’s shitter, on my floor.

Moving forward, I come out of the bathroom yesterday, around that wall, at which point I am basically smack dab in the middle of that pod. As I walk on through back towards where I sit, I notice the girl with her back directly toward me is eating a muffin. Our office is directly above a bakery so nothing odd about that.

What is indeed odd with that is just how this young lady is consuming said treat. To be clear, I walked past her a good ten feet, turned around, walked back to the pod, and came back around beside her to make sure I saw what I saw (her monitor blocked my view otherwise), just standing there perplexed for a second.** That is how outrageous I found her approach. To keep stringing you along, I’ll now state that I believe there are two universally acceptable ways to eat a muffin (Latin: Muffinus breakduo), with one marginal way that is also passable:

  1. The Two-sided Approach – This method of eating a muffin is probably the most “traditional” and consists of splitting the muffin in half, the top from the bottom and, usually, applying some butter on each side. Just delightful.
  2. The Pick Apart Approach – The muffin is a great on-the-go food for this reason. In this approach, you simply reach into the bag where your muffin is stored or maybe on the plate in front of you and just pick pieces off at a time. I aint mad at it.
  3. Marginal: The King Solomon Approach – This one weirds me out just a little. This is similar to the Two-sided Approach except that you cut the half in half in entirety so that there are two equal pieces with half of the top and half of the bottom as part of each. Whatever blows your hair back I suppose (you savage).

This is it. This is how this one food is consumed. Out of the three, this colleague of mine was utilizing none of them. So how was she going about it? What was her tactical battle plan for consuming her breakfast-leaning sweet?

She was eating it like a motherfucking cupcake.

That’s right. No butter, no nothing. She had peeled either down or off the wax paper on the bottom of the muffin and was just opening wide and snapping down on that thing like it was a birthday party in the 3rd grade/a cute wedding. I was fuckin shooooooooooooooooook. It brought me to two possible conclusions: Either she is an alien trying to seamlessly fit in with human society and had a giant slip up or she was simply never taught how to eat a muffin and therefore probably also tortured small animals as a child. No matter which way you shake it I am never turning my back on this (very small by the way) woman again. She is not to be trusted.

To answer my own headline, yes there are correct ways to eat a muffin. This is a society, we have rules. Jesus Christ people.

 

**(Note: I’m cool with her so walking back to her desk was not as creepy or odd as it sounds. We chat every now and again. Don’t creep on girls at work.)