Category: Food

Lifetime, KFC, and Mario Lopez Are Making What Seems Like a Prequel to Mel Gibson’s Colonel Sanders Biopic

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I mean, why wouldn’t you watch this? I can only hope this is an actual mini movie of sorts and not just some highly produced faux trailer because this looks awesome.

If there’s one job I would take in a heartbeat it would be marketing for a fast food company because they just pump out absolutely ridiculous ideas in the name of generating buzz. God knows how much money KFC spent creating a trailer (and hopefully a movie) starring Mario Lopez and then partnering with Lifetime to promote it. The ROI on this is going to be turrrrible if you count it by buckets of chicken sold, but thats not what this is about. This is about generating buzz, clout, hype, whatever you want to call it. And there’s few better at that then KFC and its rotating cast of Colonels.

Although, like I said this is definitely a prequel to Mel Gibson’s Colonel Sanders biopic so hopefully it doesn’t mess with KFC canon too much.

Ranking the Possible Ingredients of a Burrito

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To begin this vignetted list of possible Tex Mex culinary additives, please note that the title ends in, “Of A BURRITO.” Not a burrito or burrito bowl. Since I am not so afraid of gluten that I fear turning to stone like a Sanderson Sister should I ingest a single milligram of it, I stick with the classics (WE GOT SEASONAL JOKES UP IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER). To extend this brief prologue, I’ll also say I’m leaving the wrap itself off the rankings because that is what defines the food. It is also really hard to fuck up.

Believe it or not, for the lists and rankings blogs I have published to The 300s dot com (check the merch store), I have done whatever I can to put bias aside. As an example, the last such blog of this nature I believe outlined what the best Boston movie was. To do so I’m pretty sure I spent about 1,000 words defining the criteria for such a film in order to weigh all in the category equal. So ya, I try to be fair. However, it is usually an impossible task to completely put your preferences aside when ranking/listing things. It just is. In the back of your mind will always be your own tastes, what you feel should be ranked highest vs. what you know for, almost a fact, should be. Heart vs. head.

All of that is to say I have removed 99.9% of bias from this one. This was possible because I am not necessarily ranking the best ingredients, to a certain extent, but the most important ones. For instance, some people would say they like pickles on their burger, some would not. However I don’t think one of the issues amongst those at war on the Gaza Strip relates to pickles on a burger, it just does not matter, enough at least, either way. On the flip side, I am guessing the vast majority of folks want a bun. That argument could indeed incite violence. So what really matters to a Burrito? What defines it?

Let’s find out, least to most important.


13.) “Veggies”

“Veggies” here refers to the “veggies” in a “veggie burrito”. I keep using “” quotes because I have no idea which veggies are actually used in the ambiguously labeled “veggie burrito.” Could be a whole raw carrot for all I know. Veggies also come in last here because I assume no rabbits read our blog


12.) Corn

Fuck you.

11.) Lettuce/Tomato

I feel like these varmints began as an idea at Taco Bell and sort of just stuck around when more “authentic” places like Chipotle began moving in. We put them on subs so why not put them on something that is totally not a sub? That’s basic American math right there. Actual burrito/taquerias don’t generally even offer them as ingredients. Therefore I can’t say they are all that important to the formula. Nothing against them. They just don’t matter.


10.) Guacamole

This is where Professor Red pulls out his red pen and begins editor-ing all over this blog claiming I’m flip flopping on my claims of not bringing my own biases to the table. And it is true I don’t like “guac.” With that said, I continue to stick to my claim that no one, at least of my generation, ate it until we were around college-aged. And we definitely ate burritos before that. In conclusion, it matters not much.


9.) Hot Sauce

This one hurts because I used to not add hot sauce, but now I do and I love it. Honesty must prevail though and depending on what else you add to your burrito and how those ingredients are prepared it just isn’t an important enough of a factor to go any higher. My favorite podcast, History Hyenas, refers to such things as hot sauce in burritos as a “Clyde Drexler,” or a “Drexler” for short. Basically, if Clyde Drexler had played in era without the greatest basketball player ever in Michel Jordan, he’d be in the conversation. Just wrong place at the wrong time. Same with our pal hot sauce here.

8.) Beans

This is a tricky one. Personally, I can do without beans but I understand that that is just me and that a lot of people love them. But compared to what is above and below them on this list I can’t honestly rank the magical fruit anywhere else. It also doesn’t help that there are a large variety of beans, both within each restaurant and across the cuisine itself, which doesn’t help their case in terms of how staunchly they’re supported in any particular form.


7.) Sour Cream/Crema

This is probably my boldest ranking, but I stand by it. Especially when considering there may not be hot sauce (which the establishment may skimp on anyway) present, you need something in that burrito to wet the whistle a bit. A dry as hell burrito stinks to high heaven. It’s like an overcooked burger. It’s a worst-case scenario that many a road can bring you to: the aforementioned small portion of hot sauce (if any), old/dry rice, old/dry meat, etc. The sour cream and/or crema not only brings a little extra flavor, but an extra, very necessary texture augmentation.


6.) Pico de gallo/Salsa

The importance of the next two ingredients are hard to articulate but cannot be understated. Pico brings a flavor and texture boost to any burrito that simply cannot be replaced. It’s the 6th man of a burrito. When you need a clutch bite or some extra oomph, there it is.


5.) Rice

The other hard to understate ingredient, rice. You simply have to have rice in a burrito. Rice also curiously has an inverse relationship with beans. There are a few varieties of rice. And while the varying nature of beans makes me think of them as disposable, the very same quality of rice makes me think of it as flexible and triumphant. Regardless, rice quite frankly is part of the palate in every bite of a burrito and brings a consistent presence that no other ingredient brings.  


4.) Carnitas

And now we get into the main courses. Carnitas (pork for the uninitiated) comes in last due to pure statistics. I don’t really know anyone who orders it. I have no qualms with carnitas, they just trail their peers.


3.) Ground Beef

It’s gotta be tough on ground beef having never been assigned a cool Spanish name. It’s also sort of….I don’t know basic? This is what I got in my hard- shell tacos with a side of fries on “taco” night in my Irish Catholic household growing up (fuckin LOVED taco night). GB is also a lightly ordered main course so it’s going to look back at only carnitas.


2.) Chicken

This was tough. It just was. Who doesn’t love chicken? Who doesn’t, whether in a burrito or not, order chicken in some capacity all the damn time?  But we’re talking burritos, and there is something about falling back on old faithful that sort of betrays the point of springing for a burrito over a sub, pizza, etc. I love you chicken. Always will.


1.) Carne Asada

I don’t make the rules. Sure, there are places that mail their carne asada the fuck in. I get it. But when done right and portioned correctly (there is such a thing as too much and such a thing as too little), carne asada burritos kick fucking ass. They are the cat’s pajamas. You simply cannot beat red meat, season right, cooked to perfection, rolled up snug with a variety of the ingredients mentioned above. Therefore, carne asada ranks #1.

-Joey B

Taco Bell Cantina AKA the Best Club in Vegas is Coming to Boston Reportedly

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You know how many years I have spent complaining about the lack of Taco Bells in the Boston area? They actually just opened one downtown a couple of months ago, but before that there was one in the Cambridgeside Galleria food court and that was it. The next closest locations were in Revere, West Roxbury, and Quincy. 7,000+ locations and there was only one in Boston, what an absolute crime. So I’m all for any semblance of Taco Bell expansion in town, but now I learn that there may be a Taco Bell CANTINA coming to town??

If you’re unfamiliar with the Taco Bell Cantina concept then you my friend are missing out. Theres only a handful of these glorious locations in the country and the one on the strip is legitimately the best club in Las Vegas. I’m not even joking. Just look at this clip I had on my phone from when I was in Vegas last year.

Again, that is a Taco Bell.

The place serves booze, has a DJ, and is just general debauchery with a side of Doritos Locos Tacos.

Now for the location. I love it because its pretty close to my house, but to drop this place directly across the street from a major college in Boston University is BOLD. BU isn’t exactly Arizona State, but I guarantee there is still going to be 19-year-old sorority girls passed out face down in their fourth meal on the regular.

Live mas, indeed.

Taco Bell Has Gone Too Far

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CNN – For years, Thanksgiving feasts have featured bland roast turkeys, canned cranberry sauce and boxed stuffing mix. Thanks to Taco Bell, these painfully generic holiday dishes will plague American families no longer.

Instead, the food chain wants you to serve blended Taco Bell Rolled Chicken Tacos at your traditional holiday dinner…

Taco Bell has taken your mother’s beloved bisque recipe and turned it into its Rolled Chicken Tacos Bisque.

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I love Taco Bell as much as anybody and part of what I love about them is their self-awareness. Taco Bell is not fine dining. It’s not even fast casual. It’s for when you’ve got $18 left in your checking account or are on your way home from the bars (or possibly both). They know that. You know that. They know that you know that, and they’re cool with it. That’s why this news is so disappointing.

Taco Bell is not fancy food for fancy people. So why are they trying to play to the stuffy, basic Friendsgiving crowd? Imagine bringing Taco Bell to Friendsgiving. Melissa would shade you so fast on Instagram your phone would die. Why is Taco Bell trying to play to this crowd? Do they actually think putting their product in a blender to make it more resemble vomit will win that crowd over?

Taco Bell has a long history of innovations with a couple of misses (like the Bell Beefer) but way more grand slams (like the Crunchwrap Supreme). So while I love that they’re willing try something so outrageous here, I can’t help but be amazed by how far off-brand it is.

Sure, White Castle has a similar vibe to Taco Bell and has had lots of success with it’s Thanksgiving stuffing, but that’s totally different. White Castle sliders are 75% bread and stuffing IS MADE OF BREAD. Also, the White Castle stuffing recipe gets points for not requiring a goddamn blender.

Sorry Taco Bell. I won’t be serving your bisque at my house next week.

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The City of Boston Shut Down Roast Beast Last Week

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Boston.com –  On the night of Halloween, D.J. Lawton — owner of Roast Beast, a roast beef sandwich destination — changed the profile photo on his restaurant’s Facebook page to announce the shop’s sudden closure. The photo, which showed a message written on cardboard and taped to Roast Beast’s door, was pointed and succinct.

Perhaps the greatest memory from my past summer was being introduced to Roast Beast. Red and Papa G had been going there for years but I had never had the pleasure. It was more than worth the wait.

For those not in the know, the North Shore of Massachusetts is well known for hot roast beef sandwiches. The hot version is basically the same thing as the cold version of the meat but cooked on a griddle a la something like pastrami with cheese, etc. on it and usually served on an onion roll. It’s fucking delicious.

Now Allston is obviously not the North Shore which geographically speaking made Roast Beast that much more delicious. We didn’t have to drive north of the city to enjoy this incredible delicacy. It was legit the best of both worlds.

Now the city has decided that, after ten years in business, without a $150k alteration to the kitchen they have to shut down. And the owner has understandably said “well then fuck you.” I guess they’ve (the city inspection department as well as the fire department) fucked with him before, and he’s quite sick of it.

Listen, fires are no joke. Those of us who worked in the Boston bar scene in the past ten years lost someone we knew last year to such a disaster. But those orgs are also filled with people with giant egos and a need to swing them around. The bottom line is we’ve been eating delicious sandwiches for ten years and suddenly there’s a complication now. Which is bullshit.

So thank you DJ and his crew for ten good years. Maybe he’ll open up in NH soon or something. Long live Roast Beast.

The 300s Celebrates National Chicken Wing Day

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It’s National Chicken Wing Day and we’re celebrating the holiday here at The 300s. If you’re celebrating the holiday today, too, here are some topics of debate that may come up at your get together, and my take on each one:

Hooters vs. Buffalo Wild Wings It’s Hooters and it’s not even close. Buffalo Wild Wings continually promises an experience it never delivers on. When you actually want to watch a game at B-Dubs it’s a madhouse. When it’s busy the service is slow. When it’s dead at lunch the service is slow. What keeps me coming back is a pretty good draft selection and some pretty good deals on drafts, not the wings or the service.

Hooters on the other hand doesn’t pretend to be something it’s not. Unapologetically campy,  Hooters consistently delivers great wings and ice-cold beers. Their breaded wings are the best in the business.

Bone-in vs. Boneless Unless I’m at Hooters, I’m going with boneless. If wings are the main course, sure, I’ll go with bone-in. But if they’re an appetizer, or if I have other plans that evening, boneless it is.  You’ll never catch me eating bone-in wings at a ballpark. Bone-in wings are so messy I borderline feel like I need a shower after eating them. I don’t wanna look like Costanza out there.

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Blue Cheese vs. Ranch Gotta go with blue cheese dressing. The tangier dressing better compliments most wing flavors, and the thick and chunky variety is just more satisfying than ranch dressing. Don’t get me wrong I’d eat ranch dressing on anything, but the added flavors and spices of ranch dressing don’t always pair well with wing flavors.

Best Wings From a Non-Wings Establishment Boneless habanero wings at TGI Friday’s. TGI Friday’s has its own issues delivering on the experience it promises, but its boneless habanero wings are better than anything offered a B-Dubs.

Best Non-Buffalo Wing Sauce The Gold Fever sauce at the Ninety Nine Restaurant & Pub. The Gold Fever Wings at the Ninety Nine are right up there with the Fridays’ habanero wings as some of the best at a non-wings restaurant. It’s a shame that this place doesn’t exist outside of New England / New York (yet). For those outside the region, think of a mustard/barbecue sauce.

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Coat those bad boys in some thick blue cheese dressing and your set. Wash ’em down with some $2 Bud Selects like your Vincent Chase and it’s 2009.

Yahoo! has more info on what wing deals are out there today. 

What other topics will you be debating today? Let me know on Twitter @The300sBigZ

 

Good Humor Has Unofficially Put Me in Charge of Bringing Back Bubble Play

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There are few things I love more than America, Baseball, and Ice Cream. My family sure, but to be honest it’s kind of close. There’s nothing better than sitting at a game in the midst of summer, watching your favorite team take down a rival while you soak up the sun and snack on a delicious frozen treat. Years back, there existed something that encompassed all three of the key components I named above. I’m talking about Good Humor’s Bubble Play. 

I’ll pause to let you reflect as your taste buds take you back to a time of euphoric delights, a staple of the youth of every millennial child from sea to shining sea.

Bubble Play was the perfect summer treat, straight from the ice cream truck circling your neighborhood after you just got done running through the sprinkler. Unfortunately, it’s been years since it’s been available and the world was never the same. Some say the current political climate is due to the lack of Bubble Play, but that’s neither here nor there. 

But what if I told you, we had a chance to restore our summers to former greatness?

Good Humor has proposed to me that I come up with a plan to revive Bubble Play.

The only thing that millennials are better at than making great social media campaigns is reviving products of yesteryear. So I ask you, please use the hashtag #BringBackBubblePlay and show Good Humor just how much you love and miss Bubble Play, and maybe, just maybe, we can save the summers yet to come.

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Pizza Hut Going Back to the Future

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CNN Business – Pizza Hut wants to return to its winning ways. So it’s rebooting the logo from when it dominated the American pizza market.

The pizza chain is replacing its current round logo with a retro logo that hasn’t been used in two decades, the company said. Compared to its current logo, the old version features its red roof more prominently and the Pizza Hut font is bolder and in black.

Pizza Hut used the original logo from 1967 to 1999, when it was the by far the biggest pizza company in the world. Its market share has been dwindling since, and Domino’s overtook Pizza Hut last year.

In an era of reboots, revivals and throwbacks a move like this shouldn’t surprise anyone. Pizza Hut brought back the P’Zone earlier this year, and with this move they’re just setting the destination time on the DeLorean a little further back. There’s just one problem…

It had been years since I last ordered a calzone from a restaurant, so I was excited to grab a P’Zone during the NCAA tournament. When I bit into that thing, though, I wasn’t sure if I was eating the P’Zone or the box that it came in. It tasted like dry, overcooked dough with hardly any meat or cheese inside. The pizza I got wasn’t much better. To me, Pizza Hut pizza tastes more like a collection of dough, sauce and cheese than an actual pizza.

I’m all for nostalgia – I’d love to see the Patriots trot out their ’90s Drew Bledsoe jerseys next season – but let’s not pretend that this is move by itself will change anything for Pizza Hut. I probably stopped regularly eating Pizza Hut when the Hut near my house closed up shop earlier this decade. Did it close up shop because pizza eaters didn’t like the new logo? Or did pizza eaters just wise up to overpriced dough, sauce and cheese, and get sick of sitting in restaurants that hadn’t been updated since the Bad News Bears ate there?

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There is hope for the Hut, though. Pizza Hut sister brand Taco Bell has reinvented itself into a full-fledged lifestyle brand. They are constantly generating buzz with unique menu offerings, and the Taco Bell Cantina was a highlight of The 300’s Vegas Expedition. All of that has nothing to do its logo. There’s no reason why Pizza Hut can’t do what Taco Bell is doing – or what Domino’s did. As I said on November 2, 2017:

Domino’s Pizza has had a resurgence over the last ten years. Their stock closed at $2.83 per share on November 20, 2008. At the start of trading today, their stock was at $178.44 per share. That’s an increase of more than 6,000%. What happened? Domino’s realized there were problems. Their recipes were stale and their service was subpar. Just as bad, they weren’t “cool.” So they very publicly reworked and improved their pizza recipes in 2009. They tweaked their menu. They introduced the Pizza Tracker. They were no longer the company with delivery drivers allegedly killing people on the roads to deliver pizzas in 30 minutes. They became a hip, self-deprecating company, a social-media darling that served affordable pizza in tough economic times.

There’s room in the market for both Domino’s and Pizza Hut to be successful. Between their sister brand and pizza competitor, the playbook for them should be pretty clear. It can start with a logo reset, but it certainly can’t end there.

 

PS – Domino’s stock (DPZ) opened the day today trading at $275.57 per share. About a hundred bucks higher than when I wrote about it last, and now a solid 9637.46% higher than on that fateful day in 2008. Why don’t I take my own advice?

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Liquor Store Etiquette: The Do’s & Don’ts Part I

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Over the years, much has been written about the trials and tribulations of the retail worker. It’s been well documented that employees working in the retail and service industries often deal with the underbelly of society and the ugly side of people you would otherwise think are respectable, upstanding citizens. I’ve personally worked in retail for over half of my life, and have worked in the alcohol industry in particular for nearly a decade. In that time, I’ve seen a lot. In the span of a few posts, I’d like to share some insights from my side of the counter in hopes of creating a more aware, educated public that will stop being such fucking idiots when trying to perform the relatively simple task of picking out a 6-pack.

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As a disclaimer, all of my experience comes from working in cities and towns outside of Boston. Most of this comes from one shop in particular, and I can only imagine that people working in more urban settings have even more outrageous stories to tell. First, a little about why I’m qualified to tell you to fuck off. I started off as an entry level wine associate reading, doing tastings, and most importantly, drinking. Eventually I worked my way up to becoming a beer buyer and manager for a craft beer and wine shop in a Boston suburb. I’ve been in this particular role for about 17 months, but have amassed a wealth of knowledge when it comes to beer, wine and spirits over the course of my career. I am a Cicerone Certified Beer Server, the first step in becoming a Cicerone, although anyone who has gotten this certification will tell you it’s pretty basic and nothing to brag about. I wouldn’t call myself an expert on any aforementioned categories of alcohol because the more you learn about this stuff, the more you realize there is to learn. All I would say is this: I am a professional drinker; that is, I drink professionally.

 

What follows is the first part in a multi-part series of what to do and what not to do when interacting with the staff at your local liquor store.

1: Don’t Piss Your Pants on the Sales Floor

This would seem like an obvious one, no? Well guess what? This happened to me. One typical Tuesday afternoon, a construction worker guy came into my store demanding to know where the Twisted Tea Raspberry tall boys were. I explained to him that we were out and they would be coming in tomorrow, but this didn’t do. He told me he’d settle for a regular Twisted Tea tall boy, but needed to use the bathroom. At almost every liquor store I’ve worked at (5 in total), we’ve kept broken bottles and other crap in the bathrooms, so they are off limits to customers. The last thing we need is someone filing a lawsuit because they cut their wiener on broken glass while trying to piss. This guy didn’t like that answer, and next thing I know, we’ve got a Billy Madison Miles Davis situation going on. I let him use the bathroom, but needless to say he was banned.

2: Be Honest With Yourself About What You Like

My least favorite people to deal with are the regulars who don’t understand what they actually like, and insist they want the opposite of what they actually like. They hear buzzwords like juicy or fruity or jammy, and think for whatever reason there is something wrong with these words. I can’t tell you how often we have people insist they don’t like sweet wines but end up with a red blend with more residual sugar than a bar dark chocolate. They may not necessarily taste sugary because things like tannin and acidity can dull perceived sweetness, but that sugar is still there. Also, why do people insist on wanting wine that isn’t fruity?

These people, and Big IPA guys. Fuck, these guys suck. The majority of these guys drink one of two things: Bud Light or a “Big IPA.” These are the type of guys who don’t drink fruit beers because their hyper-masculinity tells them that fruit beers are chick drinks, yet their preferred method of intoxication is either alcoholic rice urine or canned orange juice. These are the same guys who order a Sex on the Beach in a whiskey glass without the umbrella because they don’t want to look gay. Hate to break it to you Bro McCarthy, but you like fruity drinks. What’s the hallmark of the New England IPA that has the beer world clamoring these days? Low bitterness, soft mouthfeel, high alcohol, and…you guessed it, TONS OF FUCKING FRUITY HOPS. Not to mention the fact that the difference between most of these beers is so minute, you’re basically just drinking one of three things…

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At the end of the day, nobody should feel ashamed about what they like. There is no such thing as a gay drink, a chick drink, or a dudes drink. Everyone drinks everything. But the more honest you are with yourself about what you like, the easier it will be for the staff at your local shop to recommend things you like. We’re living in the golden age of alcohol with a ton variety out there across beer, wine and spirits. Unless you’re a professional or have the wallet and liver to constantly try new things, you’re going to need some help, and I’m willing to do so. In part two of this series, I’ll dig into when it’s acceptable to return stuff, why trophy hunters are obnoxious and who should bring their ID.

NJ Transit is in Shambles and It’s All Dunkin Donuts’ Fault

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If you ever have the opportunity to ride NJ Transit, my advice would be to just stay home. Notoriously shitty, delays out the ass, to call it unreliable would be an understatement.

So this morning I’m sitting here minding my own business scrolling through Twitter and I see this exchange between angry patrons and the poor schlub who has to field responses to these miserable people.

Pretty harmless, aside from mild rudeness. Here’s where it gets good.

Wait, wait, wait. You’re telling me that Dunkin Donuts is responsible for this madness? Why on earth is Dunkin Fuckin Donuts responsible for opening a train station every day? Who thought this was smart business? You’re telling me that you’re entrusting the commutes of hundreds of thousands of people into the hands of some most likely 17 year old making minimum wage slinging coffee on his four hour shift before he goes home to play XBox and hot box his Mom’s basement while she’s at work? Insanity. And how about NJ Transit just completely deflecting blame. “Don’t look at us. It’s Dunkin’s fault you’ll never get anywhere on time.” What a wild world we live in. Also, majorly bad look for Dunkin considering their slogan is America Runs on Dunkin. Better add a 15-20 minute delay to that commute time.