Category: General

Amanda Knox is Having a Moon-Themed Wedding and She Wants You to Pay For It

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Yahoo – In the universe of wacky wedding planning, Amanda Knox’s betrothal to poet Christopher Robinson surely is in a galaxy all its own. The couple have set up a crowdfunding wedding registry site to raise $10,000 to help pay for their moonscape matrimony.

Knox posted a video of Robinson’s elaborate space-themed proposal on YouTube last year, so clearly the wedding theme was established then.

I know this is a cliched way to dive into a blog but….I don’t even know where to begin.

If you’re too young, dumb, or oblivious to know who Amanda Knox is, I’ll lay it out briefly. In 2007, Amanda Knox was an American college student studying abroad in Perugia, Italy. Then her British roommate was was brutally murder and Knox, her Italian boyfriend, and a sort of nomadic-type, burglar-by-trade guy they sort of knew were all interchangeably charged. They all were convicted and sentence to between 20 and 30 years. Problem was that Knox and the boyfriend’s case had more holes than Iraqi Navy. They served about two years before, after a a second “appeal” trial they were acquitted and released. They put her, kind of laughably as the US was never going to send her back to Italy, back on trial in 2013 but was acqitted again. A couple years ago Netflix put out  a documentary on the whole ordeal. This is an important thing to note as I made two conclusions:

1.) They had very little on her and she 90% didn’t do it
2.) At the same time she is a weeeeeeeeeeeeird bird so maybe she did.

Basically you come away feeling like despite the fact that criminal justice system-wise she should have never been convicted, holy fuck there is something up with this girl.

So a few years later, a few years in which she has stayed out of the public eye because she lives in Lewinsky-esque infamy, she has now resurfaced throwing a space wedding. She is marrying a poet and throwing a space wedding complete with a “moonscape” and  blaring of “Intergalactic” by the Beastie Boys. And they want to crowdsource the whole thing.

I honestly don’t know what to even do with this much material. You’d think if you were a formerly convicted murder marrying a poet after years underground you might do things a little more subtly. Then again, you might think someone crowdsourcing their wedding might not lead off with, “Let’s face it, we don’t need anymore stuff.” But like I said, homicidal or not the girl is tapped.

But far be it from me to be a hater. if you’d like to donate for LEDs, cosmic centerpieces, or like the like feel free. Just do yourself a favor and watch the doc before you know who you’re buying fake light sabers for.

 

Now Millennials are Accused of Killing Cereal? My Official Response:

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CNN – “General Mills has a cereal problem. It thinks children and aging boomers can help solve it. The cereal category has been shrinking over the past several years as increasingly health-conscious consumers turn to other options. But cereal remains important to General Mills: Along with yogurt, it makes up about 30% of the company’s overall business…While Millennials have generally turned away from cereal as a meal -— instead snacking on it during the day or swapping it out for dessert on occasion — kids and older adults who eat cereal still like it for breakfast…For people over 55, cereal is attractive because it offers certain nutritional benefits, like fiber. While Millennials and younger adults tend to care about “ethical labels,” like organic certifications and may try avoid foods that use genetically-modified organisms…”

It is one of my great joys in life to blog about what “millennials killed” every time one of these stories comes up. We’ve apparently killed department stores, tipping, beer, canned tuna, and even the United States economy among other things. Well now I see this headline that Millennials abandoned cereal? My official response:

On Stealing First Base

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In 2006, a movie was released called “Idiocracy.” The basis of the plot is that, over a long period of time, while intelligent professionals continue to focus more and more on their careers rather than personal lives and well, reproduction, fucking imbeciles have kids at more and more rapid rates until our world is entirely populated by said imbeciles. The smart ones get basically evolved out. It was from the brain of the brilliant Mike Judge, the creator of the movie “Office Space” as well as shows such as “Beavis and Butthead.” Despite having Judge’s name behind it “Idiocracy” was immediately labeled as one of the worst movies of all time. It was lammmmmmmmbasted. I’m talking (“Gigli” x “Waterworld”) ^ “Jem And The Holograms.” So pretty bad.

Over the years however, Judge’s brilliance has been slowly credited. The blunt but logical way he explained the pure absurdity of what happened to society, much in the way Trey Parker and Matt Stone can with this one, is finally getting it’s due. Therefore, over the past few years, as “what the fuck” moments have increased tenfold, you may have heard someone refer to our current state of affairs as “Idiocracy” or something such as Dennis Rodman becoming biffles with Kim Jong Un as an “Idiocracy Moment.” Life, they say, imitates art.

I write that two paragraph prologue to illustrate my feelings on what this blog is really about: The revered, independent, Atlantic League of baseball experimenting with stealing first base. Let’s read that one more time:

Stealing. First. Base.

The new rules are simple: on any pass ball, wild pitch, or occurrence where the ball is dropped by the catcher in any capacity, the batter may choose to run to first to try and basically steal a single. I’m hazy on whether or not they can be forced out, as it kind of fucking is a force out by nature, but my guess would actually be no here.

To be clear this would change the fabric of the game entirely.

First of all the roster and who you have in the dugout warrants extra consideration. Imagine an important game. Bottom of the 9th no one out and you really want a base runner. Maybe the pitcher is a sinkerballer or a knuckleballer that is prone to not exactly being Brady-Gronk with his catcher. Well good thing you skipped that extra infielder so you could keep the guy who can barely hit .160 but runs a 4.3 40. BOOM, one in the dirt and you have a man on. See what I mean? On the other hand, forget a catcher who can hit, just get a guy with the hands of Torrie Holt. Who cares if he’s Chris Davis with a chest protector, he won’t allow any thefts of bag number one.

The pitching staff now warrants the same questions. Is it really worth having anyone in an important game that doesn’t just throw blazing 101mph non-moving heat? Do we really want to risk anything else?

I’m also curious how they are going to score this? Can you really call it a steal when it’s coming off an error, either on the pitcher or catcher’s part? I mean you have to call it SOMETHING for the base runner right? A “Proactive Walk” or “Aggressive Walk” perhaps? I don’t know.

Anyway, we are officially living in a Goddam sports society where the rules don’t matter anymore. We should have seen this coming when hockey started to softly condemn fighting. “Idiocracy” indeed.

-Joey B.

Someone Planted Cannabis Flowers On the State House Front Lawn

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WCVB – Vermont’s Capitol Police have quite the mystery on their hands after a visitor pointed out a possible cannabis plant growing in the flower beds on the front lawn.

An officer inspected the lawn on Monday and found what is believed to be either a hemp or marijuana plant. Chief Matthew Romei said they found 34 immature plants that are too young to differentiate.

“It’s legal to cultivate but there are limits on where you can do it, and the statehouse flower beds certainly aren’t one of those permissible sights,” Romei said. “If there is a typical Vermont story this is probably it.”

As a proud contrarian I can respect the hell out of this move. An A+ troll job by whatever cannabis enthusiast planted these seeds on the State House front lawn. Vermont seems pretty chill about everything too as they legalized medicinal marijuana way back in 2004 (it took Massachusetts until 2012) so I’m not sure if they’ll even bother to remove the plants or just let nature do its work.

Further lab testing would be needed to figure out what the plants are, but Romei says the department has no plans to test them because it isn’t pursuing a criminal case.

Good for you Vermont. Take notes, every other governing body in the country. This was a cheeky prank, not some underworld attempt to slide the devil’s lettuce into the hands of an unsuspecting youth. Planting weed mere feet from where stuffy politicians write and pass laws every day is just funny. Nothing more nothing less.

 

 

Joey B’s Guide to Groomsmanship

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Well, dear readers, this shall be a week indeed

I’ve been asked to keep this part brief but you may or may not have heard reference to a certain wedding occurring among the wordsmiths of the 300s this summer. Time sure does fly because the hour is nigh. All I’ll say about that but needless to say it’s caused me to feel inspired aroundst a keyboard.

I’ve attended I think a dozen or so weddings in my life. That part probably doesn’t shock you so much as if you size up a 30-year-old male who is average in every way possible I think that sounds about right.

What may shock you to an extent is that I’ve actually been asked to participate in several of these life changing, or should I say, making, affairs. Sure, once was as an altar boy, but indeed a few times now I’ve been asked to stand up next to one of my buddies as a groomsman. Taking it one step further, believe it or not on a single occasion I was asked to be the head honcho, the best man. True story.

I think it is easy to just see being a groomsman as a sort of cool nod to a particularly strong friendship. Tangentially, I suppose, if you are an insecure bumblecunt (word learned from British/Irish twitter recently, so great), I can understand why you could see even it as a status symbol. But in reality, you are being given a job. If you really think about it, you are being asked to represent the friends that have surrounded two people through a journey that is now culminating in a roll of the dice that they can actually be able to stand each other forever. Not to get too sappy but that’s pretty fucking special man.

So if you’ve read this much and even slightly agree with my take on things, allow me to regale you a few rules to groomsmanship.

1.) First and foremost never let it slip your mind for even a single second that this is the bride’s day/weekend/week/month.

This as much of a self-preservation rule as it is a “don’t be that guy” rule. Everything following this golden rule will cover our garden variety debauchery and contraception, but this is a blanket commandment for not ending up on the receiving end of a lifelong grudge. Just keep yourself out of the bride and her family’s fucking crosshairs. You should notice them but not the other way around. I would say “unless for a good reason” but honestly I’ve been noticed for good reasons before and guess what? I was simply noticed after that and couldn’t really get away with shit. Bottom line: Behave yourself when you’re within 100ft of the one in the white dress and/or her parents.

2.) Do everything and anything that needs to be done

You’re not at this wedding “to work” but you sort of are. In a weird way you’re expected to have some responsibility, and I don’t mean for anything in particular. But if something needs doing it should be you or one of the crew doing it. This could be golden rule 1b. Now this does not mean you have to be a saint. I’ve gone absolutely ruckus at weddings I was in, believe me. But when the time came, whether I was hungover, about to close, etc. I stopped what I was doing and pitched in. And that includes being proactive. One of the other groomsmen is too drunk and you notice? Get it done. One of the bridesmaids is crying? You’re Affleck when he sees Claire in the laudromat. I guess my point is you need to step up when It’s necessary

3.) Understand your environment

What I mean by this is understand what you, as you, are going into. Sometimes your best friend is getting married but they have a shit ton of friends you don’t know, but they all know each other. Sometimes you know everyone. This realllllly should temper how you behave both in general but also how you approach things like…..well women. Or men, that’s cool too. But many a sucker punch has been earned at these things because someone started hitting on, successfully or not, ex.) someone’s buddy’s cousin’s frat brother’s ex-girlfriend. It’s dumb but it happens. Know these things ahead of time. Hopefully in the months or whatever leading up to the event you’ve gotten to know folks at least a little and got to feel the situation out. There’s been a hangout of sorts. If not idk man, peruse IG or something.

4.) Be prepared

For anyyyyyyyything. There may be some down time and the hotel bar might be closed and you might be hungover as all holy hell five hours before the wedding and you might be in the middle of nowhere Maryland. ID where the packy is the night before and stock up. Have a “sure thing” at the wedding and not quite ready to explain to a four year old why they were born 9 months after “Uncle Mike” and “Aunt Sarah who hates you because her sister, known as Mommy, is stuck with you now” were married? Bring something to prevent that. Bring another kind in case they’re allergic to the first kind. Bring a third kind in case you both forget the first two on the night of. Summer wedding? Bring sunscreen. Bring a hoodie, just in case. Bring two, because maybe you don’t have a “sure thing” but there are a few young lasses that might get cold I AM LITERALLY GIVING YOU EVERY TIP I HAVE. Just be prepared. Christ.

5.) Don’t get drunk to the point of injuring yourself or others

I mean this one’s tough. It’s a wedding. I’m not going to tell you not to get shitfaced. I’m not going to tell you to feel guilty if you do and people get mad at you. But what you can’t do is ruin anyone else’s good time in the process or hurt yourself causing other people to have to take care of you. I had a friend who a few summers ago straight up fell off a deck down the Cape and knocked himself out. He’s legit insane so he simply popped back up and kept going about the night but seriously, take care of yourself.

6.) Have some fucking fun

Last but not least have fun. If girl #1 shuts you down don’t mope. Don’t pick a fight if you have a bad night. If someone else in the party is a Yankees fan don’t stab them with a salad fork. If you are given the salmon just fill up on cake and rolls. Again, this is one night to celebrate two people that ostensibly mean a lot to you. Enjoy it.

People Are Mad On Twitter Dot Com That I Don’t Like Film Critics

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So I was perusing the old timeline a little earlier this afternoon when I stumbled upon a follower of a follower or some shit like that announcing they had officially reviewed a film for the San Francisco Chronicle.

This is usually one of the more beautiful things about Twitter. When someone breaks through with a massive success or shares a heartwarming story, Twitter as an internet community often comes together to share praise. Sometimes it’s a new job like in this case, sometimes someone has managed to stay sober for a couple of days. Either way complete strangers are afforded the opportunity to drop a “good goin man” and keep that person encouraged. You realize, if but for a second, maybe the world doesn’t completely suck.

But thennnnn sometimes you look a little closer. Take Ziki for instance. He decided to announce his first successful venture as an SF Chronicle film while also linking to his review fucking TORPEDOING a new Jim Gaffigan move. I mean what an absolutely OUTRAGEOUS move. That’s like if someone were to announce they had bought their first company while also linking to a story about them laying off every last fucking employee. It’s straight up tone deaf narcissm at its finest.

But to be honest that is my point here and on Twitter, where I am now being BERATED by “writers” and “critics” for taking ol’ Z to task:

Film critics are the complete and utter worst. Really anyone who employs themselves by criticizing someone else’s shit is the worst. I mean there was a fucking “South Park” episode satirizing how pretentious Yelpers are. But film critics? Good fucking Lord. I said it on twitter and I’ll say it on here, I don’t think a film critic has ever written a positive review. Every movie is terrible. They all stink to high heaven. And film critics would know because they also know a few big words they learned getting their English degree.

The bottom line is if you want to find something wrong with something you will. And no one looks cool being overly nice do they? So Ziki decided to bust out the tough love and rip this movie, which no one would have seen REGARDLESS to shreds. really big move from him.

So to all film critics out there, I don’t know what happened to you in life to feel so insecure that you have to now rip up fucking movies to feel better about yourself. But hey, if that smidge of power gets you through the day….eh nah that’s just sad.

-Joey B.

Joey B’s Twitter Follow of the Week

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Welcome Back. We missed last week, which was the second week, for a number of reasons. Including that I didn’t want to. I also drove down the Cape at noon to beat the traffic and what not. But mostly I just did not want to. I’m an honest man.

But we’re back. I’m refreshed and motivated. We have a slew of off the wall users for you to smash the follow button on, hopefully to find your timeline will devolve into a melting pot of bemusing madness.

This week, I bring to you Large Casino ( @PushupSensei ). It is probably worth noting ahead of time that he changes his username (not his handle) a little so following the handle will come in handy in this one.

Large Casino covers a large range of topics in his tweets and hits them with a level of humor and knowledge rarely found in today’s twittersphere. Basically it’s hard to be funny and know what you’re talking about in relation to more than one thing. One of those topics is the NBA, from the current..

https://twitter.com/PushupSensei/status/1139504580268609536

To not so current….

https://twitter.com/PushupSensei/status/1139303603120889858

 

Large Casino is a big time MMA/Boxing fan as well which you know hits home for your boy…

https://twitter.com/PushupSensei/status/1139229051439255553

 

He’s also good at the Weird Twitter staple of the one or two word hilarious quote tweet….

https://twitter.com/PushupSensei/status/1138967340132065282

 

And finally, he has the quirky hot takes to keep you entertained for days.

https://twitter.com/PushupSensei/status/1139187319842529280

So there we are. Hit follow on Large Casino and stay for the laughs.

Have a good weekend everyone.

-Joey B.

Remembering D-Day 75 Years Later

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We’re not much of a history blog. We don’t generally butter our bread in regaling our readers with glorious battlefield triumphs nor somber odes and recollections of the sacrifices made on them. To me though, June 6th deserves a mention. The guy in the twitter video above with balls that could fill Lake Michigan deserves a mention.

75 years ago today, the Allies, in this context mostly meaning the US, UK, and Canada, but also consisting of troops from New Zealand, Denmark, and a slew of other European nations, brought the fight to the Germans. They decided enough was enough and brought the fight to the actual, destructive, permeating evil we were at war with. On June 6, 1944 a slew of Allied troops both parachuted into Normandy, France and landed via boat on its beaches, coming under heavy fire from both machine guns and artillery. They said one last hail mary, so to speak, and charged up the four main “beach heads” (basically points of attack) called “Gold”, “Sword”, “Omaha”, and “Juno” directly at enemy fortresses, taking at least 10,000 casualties.

And they won. They took the beach. They had arrived on enemy territory and got a foothold on the European subcontinent that had been long lost to the German superpower. It was one of the most daring, dramatic, and dynamic attacks in the history of modern warfare.

We know the rest of the story. We won. Then we won in Japan. The US became known as as the world #1 in most regards and Germany was for the second time and once and for all (as of now) sent packing. But today, 75 years later, take a second to remember everyone who landed on that beach, probably not just thinking but knowing they were going to die. Especially think of the 10,000 that were right, including countless that were never found and whose families have never really received any closure except for the notion that their loved one indeed died a hero.

It’s been 75 years and I still can’t fathom having not just the courage but the constitution to take part in such an act of combat, even when knowing you were basically trying to play a part in a major step in setting the world free. Those boys back then could though. And that should be remembered and discussed forever.

Xbox is Releasing a Line of Shampoo and Body Spray. Where Was This When I Was 13?

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Gamespot – What does Xbox smell like? You may soon be able to find out. Just ahead of E3 2019, Microsoft has partnered with Lynx to create a new fragrance called Lynx Xbox. The range includes body spray, deodorant, and shower gel, so really all of your bases are covered.

The official description is simply delightful:

“Lynx Xbox is a fresh scent of pulsing green citrus, featuring top notes of kaffir lime and winter lemon, aromatic herbal middle notes of mint and sage, and woody bottom notes of patchouli and clearwood. Containing a range of natural essential oils, the Xbox Lynx range comes with a sleek new look and features a body spray, deodorant, and shower gel.”

Xbox ANZ boss Tania Chee said in a statement that users can spray or wash themselves with Xbox Lynx to “power up” before heading out the door in the morning.

Where was this when I was a teenager playing Halo with that ungodly chunky black controller in my buddy’s dimly lit basement for 6 hours at a time? Seems like that would have been a pretty good time for Xbox deoderant. Just sell the game in a value pack along with Xbox body spray, 3D Doritos, and Monster energy drinks. I know its all the rage to shit on “Kyle” these days as the imaginary bro character who loves guzzling Monsters and punching holes in walls.

You know…come to think of it, nobody punched more holes in drywall than Papa Giorgio himself. I’m talking hanging the hammer in the wall senior year and hanging a poster to cover all the holes. Hell we even made a bet on FIFA one time in college that the loser had to kick a hole in the wall with my steel toe boots. I need to go dig up my old Nokia phone to see if that video still exists.

In all seriousness though, all this Xbox and Halo talk has me feeling all sorts of nostalgic.