Greetings readers. I’ve toyed with this idea for a long time.
You see, Twitter is a wonderous place – if you know how to use it, more on that in a moment. Remarkably, it has managed to be the bedrock for actual communities – loosely-knit but definitively intertwined folks of usually similar background who speak in similar lingos and subtexts and that provide you with a specific and sometimes peculiar angle on things.
With that said all of twitter has it’s ups and down. Sure, you can spiral into an out of control rage if you choose to hate-follow accounts that you know are going to grind your gears. But you can also find a slew of information, news, and updates if you choose to.
I am going to provide you with nothing found in paragraph two. This will be a purely entertainment-based blog. Every Friday I will deliver unto you a Twitter account that you may or may not follow for the chuckles it provides.
Week 1 we have an entry from none other than the community known as Irish Twitter. What makes Irish Twitter awesome, particularly to us across the pond, is that they are acutely and hilariously self-aware. They know that some of the shit that goes down in my ancestors’ country is ridiculous and that they themselves sometimes sound insane. How do I know that? Well they even tweet phonetically in an Irish accent. It’s fucking amazing. Anyway, Irish Twitter’s aforementioned off beat self-aware, and sometimes self-effacing sense of humor is easily digested through the lense of the first ever Twitter Follow Of The Week: Locally Hated ( @JurassicArse ) .
From what I’ve been able to gather, Locally Hated is an education professional who loves to satirize both Irish/UK politics and his local brethren’s way of life.
Took this pic of a sink in a Cavan pub last night, complete with butter knife. A people of strange and archaic rituals pic.twitter.com/eQVd0kXkJ1
The Protestant-Catholic tension that has simmered/bubbled/spilled in Ireland on repeat for years? Check.
Famously, protestants have terrible night vision, so i left the rhubarb on a plate under a box propped up by a stick in my back garden if anybody wants it. Week ruined!
To many Irish people, us Irish-Americans who push our heritage a little hard are a bit grating, but also kind of humorous. Locally Hated is among those many.
He has many, many more tweets revolving around, of course, Irish sports, more politics, his life as a professional and father, etc. But, as he took a shot at us above, lets end with the most stereotypical topic when it comes to the Irish, let’s end with a tweet about drinking.
An absolute martyr to the 32 pints I drank last night in a patriotic act of gluttony
So there you have it folks. The first edition of the Twitter follow of the week. Let me know what you think and feel free to give the lad a follow if you feel like it.
It’s your go-to beer snob back with round 3 of Liquor Store Etiquette! I know it’s been a while since the last time I wrote one of these, but you’ll have to accept my excuse: I’ve been too busy drinking beer fresh off the line at my new stomping grounds, 3 Stars Brewing Company. In this post I’ll go over the right way to return bottles (yes there is a right way), the habits of my favorite customers, and what drives me crazy at the register.
Only Return Bottles That You’d Want to SortYourself
Ah, bottle returns. The most annoying part of the job for any employee. Some stores are lucky enough to have machines that will force the customers to sort the products themselves. Cool. The problem with these is they can only be rented by the store (at least in Mass), so you have to get enough returns to not lose money on the investment. This leaves most small stores the task of sorting them by hand. This becomes infinitely worse when customers bring in nasty cans and bottles. Here are some easy rules to follow when it comes to returning bottles:
-Rinse your bottles. Nobody wants to get your stale beer all over their hands and clothes. -Don’t bring back broken bottles, cans that have been shotgunned, or anything that may cut the employee. I’m not getting tetanus because of some lazy jabroni. -If it’s a craft beer, bring your empties back to where you bought them. Most stores don’t accept returns for products they don’t carry. Don’t argue about it. We know the law, and the law says we are only required to take back items we’ve sold. -Don’t bring back cans that have been crushed/can’t be scanned or empties you found under your deck that have been there for three years and have now accumulated all sorts of mold, dirt, earth and funk.
If you are unwilling to do any of these things, either recycle them like a normal person or bring them to a redemption center. If you do take them to a redemption center, don’t be surprised if they turn you away. Oftentimes, they are just as strict as retail stores.
2. Enough With the Cliche Jokes
I’m all for stupid dad jokes. Just ask my wife, she’ll tell you. But, most of the time, these types of jokes should stay at home. Retail workers and service employees hear the same stupid jokes over and over again. And, after the second time hearing a joke, it gets difficult to be fake-nice. Obviously, that’s part of the job. But, you should aspire to not make yourself look like a jackass every time you go somewhere. I’d say at least once a day I get some moronic answer to the yes or no question of “Is there anything I can help you find today?”
Some common responses:
-the winning Megaball ticket -a million bucks -A one way ticket to (insert country here) -a supermodel to be my wife
When you ask people that question over 100 times a day, your cheesy come back gets stale…fast! If I had $5 for every time I heard one of these, I’d be on beach somewhere thinking about how much those people suck.
3. Pick the Staff’s Brain
My favorite customers are ones that look for recommendations. Of course, this relies on a competent staff. For the sake of this article, we’re assuming that’s usually the case. Great staff members know what their customers like and don’t like. They will not only keep products in mind for the next time they see these customers, but they’ll even go so far as to stock products specifically for them. I personally did this with at least a dozen products. There’s nothing wrong with the guy who only drinks Bud Light. Not a fan, but I can appreciate that it’s a crowd pleaser. However, the customers I look forward to helping are the ones who not only want to know what’s new and what I’m excited about but also purchase products based on my recommendations as often as their livers allow.
4. Don’t Waste the Staff’s Time
This point runs off of my previous one: if you are going to ask for help, listen to what I have to say. Don’t waste my time by asking me a question and then immediately shutting off your brain. God gave you ears for a reason. It also helps to avoid having the same conversation with the same staff member every time you visit a shop. Oh, you like Cabernet Franc? I fucking know, Harvey! You’ve told me this every time I’ve seen you for the past 5 years. What’s that? You’re just going to get Bud Light even though I spent the last 20 minutes explaining to you the difference between every IPA we stock? Well, fuck you too, Susan! Don’t bother starting these conversations if you’re just going to ignore our advice and get the same shitty product you came in for in the first place? I don’t need to be there for you to pick out crap. I’ve got plenty of work to do without your dumb ass wasting my time telling me you just can’t seem to get as much head in Massachusetts as you did in Delaware (either pour more enthusiastically or talk to your wife, Bill).
Well, that’s enough complaining for me today. I’m getting near the end of my liquor store complaints, but still have a few left in the tank. Hopefully, Part IV will be out a little quicker than Part III. Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy and employ these tips!
Despite concerns expressed about potential OUI, and intoxicated patrons creating security risks, the MGC votes 4-1 to approve alcohol service between 2-4am at the Encore Boston Harbor @boston25
WILD times we live in folks. Remember, this is Massachusetts; the state that legalized weed, yet I can’t get 2-for-1 beers at Happy Hour because someone got in an accident 30 years ago. Now I can drink in Everett til 4 am?
I’m all for it by the way, except for the fact that I work near the casino and it is most definitely going to obliterate traffic in the area and force me to quit my job. The New York City hard asses can relax with the “all our bars are open til 4 am every night kid” talk too because you ever drink til 4 am?
Sure when I was working security at a bar down in Faneuil it was the norm because we wouldn’t get off work until 2:30 anyways. So myself and Joey B invented “after bar, bar” but that was out of necessity. Nowadays I would much rather day drink and then go home when the sun goes down so I can still get my 8 hours in.
I pulled an all-nighter in Vegas when I was out there a few weeks ago and my body is still in shambles. The one place I would want to drink til 4 am though? The Taco Bell Cantina on the Vegas strip. That place is magical.
Casino opens next month. Godspeed to all my degenerate townie friends.
This is why the internet was actually invented by Al Gore. Not to bitch and moan about politics or slap a filter that makes you look like a goddamn dog on your Snap. No, the internet was invented to share truly awesome little minutiae like this. Just some mail lady hyping up this high school kid while in the middle of her 9-5. I’ll be perfectly honest, I’m a miserable prick at my day job most of the time so this lady throwing out all the good vibes was awesome to see.
There’s a lot going on in the world of #sports and #entertainment that we can discuss here for #content but that I can’t really draw out into a full blog. So let’s fuck around and touch a lot of bases, shall we?
-A few really interesting fights have been announced lately that I never blogged (woooops).
Nate Diaz returns to fight Anthony Pettis at UFC 241 in August. Hooo baby. That is going to be something. They’ll duel at 170lbs, where Pettis recently arrived and found success, knocking out Stephen Thompson. I’d prefer to see Diaz stick to 155 as his run wayyyy back in the day at 170 didn’t go so well and he simply lacks the strength and power to deal with the bigger and stronger fighters of the welterweight division. On top of that, I still think both are contenders at 155 when they have their heads on straight. And when Nate, you know, fights. As for the match up, if Diaz can set an early pace moving forward, Pettis will likely wilt moving backward as he always has. Likewise if “Showtime” can find a rhythm with his kicks and movement early, it could be a long night for Nate. An x-factor could be if Diaz calls on what happened in his first fight with Conor McGregor and gets the fight to the ground. Pettis is no slouch in the submission department but he’s not a 209 black belt.
Secondly, it would appear Khabib and Dustin Poirier are going to unify the 155lb strap at UFC 242 in Dubai. The card would kick off at 2:00pm EST so it is a PRIME day drinking event. Khabib, in my opinion, is going to maul anyone he faces but at this point in his career you can never count Poirier out, so looking forward to this one.
-Let’s leave MMA town now. I posted something to Facespace about this last night but I’ll leave it here as well. “Game Of Thrones” is the best TV of our lifetime. A true spectacle and something that if I was a douchie Hollywood-type I’d refer to as an achievement. So just because this season hasn’t gone according to YOUR plan and just because there are plot holes that YOU don’t like because they need to wrap the show up, it doesn’t change the fact that there won’t be anything like this ever again and it is still fantastic. It also doesn’t make you cool to publicly scream that opinion off a rooftop.
(O and if you’re trying to turn Khaleesi’s rampage into some sort of anti-feminist slight, please seek some fucking help. Where were you when Cersei did the same fuckin thing?)
-Red and I, once accompanied by Papa G, have kicked off the 2019 golf season, thus far with mixed results. Papa G actually hit the longest tee ball these eyes have ever seen. Not in any sort of productive direction but man I’ll tell ya, it was a bomb. I actually could see all of us making a little leap in ability this year if we keep playing consistently. Either way nice to be out there considering it’s usually been 45 and rainy for the past three months.
–Mattes wrote a great blog on the Jamie Collins signing so go there for a full breakdown. My only divergence from what he wrote is that I’m seeing a few #footballguys note that data points to Van Noy being more productive in our defense than Collins was. Collins just had more flashy plays and pure, visual athleticism. Still, I still love the signing and whenever you can sign a Jamie Collins it is going to make your defense better. As a matter of fact I think the Pats’ LB corps is now sneaky-stacked with Collins, Van Noy, Hightower, forgotten stud Ja’Whaun Bentley, and Roberts.
-I posed this to Red yesterday and I don’t think he’s feeling it but it wouldn’t be the end of the world if the B’s didn’t sweep tonight because they’ve been the only reason I’ve been leaving my house on Saturdays. Having to regress to going out and then socialize would be miserable at this point. So as much as I’m rooting for a B’s victory, it wouldn’t crush me if they didn’t get it.
-The Celtics find themselves in the lottery despite getting to the second round this year. Shouts to Danny Ainge for being able to get us picks but not banners. Pretty cool bud. Anyway there will be a few guys floating around at 14 we could snag and I’m sure someone here will get into it in depth. Looking at the board KZ Okpala from Stanford has an ever improving shot at 6’8 and, if he falls into our lap, Rui Hachimura (Zags) would bring a great skill-set into our locker room and through the season before we bow out before the ECF again.
-I guess some survey came out and the Boston accent won sexiest in America. I’ve lived here 99.9% of my life (2 short stints in Jersey) and I can honestly tell you that if someone comes at me with a hard Boston accent I assume they can’t read. To be honest I think it’s because a lot of people my age fake it to sound hard and if you fake an accent to sound cool or hard you probably are indeed illiterate. Bad beat.
-Lastly, John Wick 3 comes out soon/came out (I don’t fuckin know bro) and LET’SSSS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I’m a noted avoider of most pure action, boom boom bang pow movies but I love John Wick. It’s Keanu as Bourne pretty much. What’s not to like?
I’ll be introducing a new weekly/bi-weekly feature tomorrow that I’ve had brewing for awhile so we’ll see how that goes. We only have a couple more until the weekend, folks.
What you may know, as I believe I’ve blogged about it at least once, is that despite his fairly impressive culinary skills, particularly those centered around a grill, Red’s favorite food on earth is Chipotle. Loves the stuff. Burritos, bowls, everything, it doesn’t matter. He inhales it like the air he breathes. So it did not surprise me one bit when I got a text from him yesterday stating two things:
1.) Chipotle had been ISSUED A SUBPOENA (Legal document stating either a.) You’re in trouble come here now or b.) Dude what the fuck?) for making poisonous-ass food and that two
2.) This would not deter him in the slightest from continuing to ingest the toxic Mexi-merican cuisine he has become so ravenous for.
And like a lot of things most well adjusted human brains simply move on from, this got me thinking: for one of the more low-key members of our tribe, Red has a number of sneakily-dangerous habits, hobbies, and ventures. Put them altogether, the odds of him making it to the night of his nuptials are actually quite bad. So what will be the thing that sends Red to his eternal resting place? Hmmm……
Things That Definitely Will Not Kill Red
Las Vegas
We know this because we already returned. And believe me, Vegas tried. There was ice, fire, booze, gambling, insomnia, booze, a gin and coke, and still we all came back in one piece. No, the City of Sin was not to be Red’s final downfall
A Complete Longshot But Must be Noted
Sours
I don’t have much in the way of science or scenario here, I just know our fearless leader has developed quite a penchant for these lip puckering brews and there’s something not quite right about it. It only takes one wrong hipster pouring one wrong orange beer and that could be it. How? I dunno man. Just could.
Improbable But Definitely Possible
Another Dog/Dog Owner
Listen I fucking love dogs and I have awesome friends that have dogs but let’s face some facts, people without kids that have dogs are a fucking WACKADOODLE breed. They hold their dogs in the same regard as they would their kids. So I can totally see a scenario where Red’s dog gets a little too frisky with, like, a Shih Tzu whose owner just ended a 10 year bid in Walpole and is none too pleased that their psuedo-child has been besmirched. One tire iron later and it’s curtains. That or the dog itself isn’t a Shih Tzu but an ill-tempered Doberman that decides that the owner must pay for the dog’s misdeeds and Red gets Ramsay Bolton’d. All in all this is highly unlikely but you never know.
Definitive Possibility Chipotle
When I was 13 I spent two weeks of the summer on Outward Bound. Basically my parents sent to stop being a pissant camp. Part of the experience was living and sleeping in the White Mountains for a week. There I learned about giardia, a parasite that makes freshwater undrinkable until you treat it with iodine. Long story boring if you drink water straight from a stream, no matter how clear and clean it looks, you are going to start shitting a lot, possibly to death. I can imagine this is what Chipotle has in store for Red, but 12 times worse. The more I think about it maybe that’s just it? Maybe it is some sort of BDSM/thrill fetish where he doesn’t know if this refried bean will be his last before he literally rides the porcelain pony straight to his grave. Pretty fucked up.
This Might Kill Red
Traffic
Ahhhh, the lifelong nemesis. Re-adressing the whole BDSM thing, Red has continuously put himself in positions where he is at war with Boston traffic of all kinds, never unleashing his fury, just quietly bottling it up and letting it simmer. At some point, every man breaks. Whether it is a road range incident he comes out on the wrong end on or a quick detour off a bridge, the poorly laid plans of our city’s streets could certainly spell Red’s doom.
There you have it. Red has constructed himself a windy road to the dog days of summer and tying the knot. Let the tightrope walk begin. Wear a helmet.
Ahhhh. To be young, born rich, on every drug imaginable, pretending to try and inspire people on IG, and making pow pow with anything that walks in a desert. We’ve all been there right? O wait, no? We haven’t? We haven’t all dressed up like a flower child version of the Kentucky Derby and proceeded to watch jackasses like Kanye West make supposedly church-inspired performance art? Huh, guess not.
I’m at work so unfortunately Google’ng “Coachella” and “herpes” is not an option and thus you’ll have to find the story yourself. Basically, clinics, doctors, etc. in the area have seen something like a ten-fold uptick in diagnosed cases of this particular STD. They estimate about 1,100 people picked up the gift that neeeever stops giving in one fateful weekend. Makes you wonder where that would stack up next to Woodstock, too bad no one went to doctors back then.
And here’s the thing. Maybe I’m just old. Maybe my sleep patterns or digestive system still haven’t come fully back on track since returning from a bachelor party almost an entire month ago, but fucking in a desert really does not appeal to me. Like, imagine being drunk, hot as all holy hell and sweaty, drinking a warm drink, and having another human being latch onto you. Noooo fuckin thank you. Leaaave me alone. This stopped being fun in general four hours ago and I just want to nap/trip balls again. I just don’t get it.
I also want to know who patient zero was. Was it a guy or a girl? Was it an orgy or did they bang a few people, who banged a few people, etc. etc.? Is there a dick/vag slinger out there who is terrified they are going to get hit with a class action, knowing they Posted so much Malone that they may have infected an entire valley with herpes? That is a WILD thing to have to be afraid.
In conclusion I think we can agree on one thing: Please GOD let Leo not have been one of these victims. I know he loves Coachella and I know he lays pipe with the best of them. But please let him have avoided this one.
Yahoo – Rapper Bun B shot an armed man who broke into his Houston home, pointed a gun at his wife and tried to steal his car, according to police.
My knee-jerk, shooting from the hip (PUNS!) reaction to this story is that this is like the diner scene in “Pulp Fiction” if Jules Winnfield had decided existentialism could fuck itself and just blown Ringo’s head clear off. The would be car thief in this story, much-like Ringo in the aforementioned Tarantino classic, had no idea that he was about to take up arms against, as they say, a real one. In that sense, both low-grade scamps can almost be seen as sympathetic figures.
However like most stories your favorite blogger of the random and obscure indites these days, this one has layers, like an onion.
The first layer is the largest, and is called “this is fucking Texas”. The very second I land in Texas I assume everyone from the guy behind the counter at Whataburger to the little girl selling lemonade is strapped. The fact that this Albert McGlone-wannabe thought he was going to shove his way into a random house in Texas and steal a car unscathed is completely batshit. Robbing a home in Texas, in short, is no saner than robbing a gun store.
Secondly, you kind of have to assume he knew this was Bun B’s house. Why else would he go straight to the garage, where an Audi was parked? And assuming he knew this was Bun B, don’t you think that maybe kind of sort of he should have thought twice before trying to steal his car? I mean look, not all rappers have guns and Bun isn’t a “I got guns” kind of rapper for the most part, but in the LEAST you gotta figure a guy with his kind of money has a sick security system? I mean my MAN what the fuck was going through your head?
Lastly, and this is more about professional pride, but I feel like as a criminal if you are engaged in a shootout it’s your duty to hit your target. I WOULD NEVER want Bun B injured. But if you choose a life of crime as a career and proceed to break into a man’s home, run into his garage, hop into his car, and then engage in a a gunfight, it is in the job description you at least hit a kneecap. Is it too much to ask for competent armed robberies?
To restate the title of this #2019NFLDraft night blog: Please do not try and rob Bun B or you will be shot. Furthermore, The 300s does not condone any kind of armed robbery, even when done correctly.
Grenga here back with another installment of Liquor Store Etiquette, and a handful of new Do’s & Don’ts to help you make it through your harrowing journey to the local packie. Last time I gave you a fair amount of my own background, so this time I’ll just dive right in.
1. Bring Your ID
Do. Bring your damn ID. I don’t care how old you are, bring your ID. You are buying alcohol. This should be pretty straightforward, but I can’t tell you how many people I’ve turned away because they look college age and don’t have an ID on them. I can understand how a person in their 50s with grey hair might get annoyed at this, but chances are that person won’t get ID’ed anyway. In case you do, don’t get offended. The people behind the counter are just doing their job, and it’s your job to have documentation that you can legally purchase what it is you are trying to take home. And please do not give me the “ugh, I’m 24” response. Bitch, you aren’t old. I’m not saying that you look 16 when I’m ID’ing you. I’m saying you look under 40…which you fucking are, so shut up. Also, if you’re with anyone who is underage, leave them in the car. There are things called “Party Laws” where everyone in the party needs an ID. Don’t have one? Keep out of sight so you don’t ruin it for your friends. That goes for teenage children with their family members too.
Right after the Patriots completed the insanity that was the greatest comeback ever in the Super Bowl against the Falcons, Geneo Grissom, his wife and two friends came into my store looking for a bottle of wine and a 6 pack to go with dinner at the BYOB place down the street from us. Three of them had ID’s, but Geneo’s wife, a tiny five-foot-nothing blonde who looked like a high school cheerleader, did not. Her response? “Uh, you can google me.” FUUUUCK you….I googled her anyway, and guess what? She was TWENTY-FUCKING-THREE. And the only thing google had to say about her then and now is that she is Geneo Grissom’s wife. Get that arrogance out of my damn face! I wasn’t about to turn away a Super Bowl Champ just because his wife sucked, but I did explain to them that the only reason I was doing so was because they just made the greatest comeback anyone will ever see. What should you take away from that story? Unless you’ve recently won a world championship in something, bring your fucking ID. Also, Mrs. Grissom is a jerk.
2. Store Workers Hate Trophy Hunters
Are you a trophy hunter when it comes to rare stouts, IPA’s, whiskeys and wines? Great! I don’t care. I couldn’t give any less shits about the number of bottles in your cabinet. Also, if you’re dumb enough to buy a bunch of expensive whiskeys, open them, and then never drink them again, guess what? Hard alcohol, like every other kind of alcohol, oxidizes and goes bad over time. It may take over a year to do so, but you don’t have forever. If you’re spending hundreds of dollars on rare products, make sure it’s not going to waste. Don’t brag to me about what you have in your cellar, because again, I do not give a shit, and you’re more likely to make yourself sound dumb than cool.
Another thing: if you’re going to be a trophy hunter, it’s a good idea to know at least a little about what you’re asking for and when it’s available. There are idiots everywhere who saunter into stores and expect people to have a bottle of Pappy, Yamazaki, Weller, etc just sitting around. Nobody does, and if you did even a little bit of research you’d be able to find that out on your own. If you are lucky enough to have found one of these online, don’t tell me how much you paid for it. Chances are you paid hundreds more than the initial retail price for a product that is comparable to plenty of stuff on the shelves if you know where to look. I once had a guy brag to me he bought a bottle of Pappy 10 for $500 (when in stock, we sold ours for $65).
If you do this, you’re lucky you don’t get laughed out of the store.
Many of these products only get released once a year. When they do the majority of stores either post online, raffle them off, have a waiting list or offer them to their best customers. They NEVER end up on the shelf. If you aren’t loyal to that store, you aren’t getting it. So fuck off.
3. Don’t Try to Out-do the Sales Associate
There’s a lot of people out there who like to sound special when talking about the products they drink. This point goes hand in hand with the points I made about trophy hunters. We don’t care what you’ve got in your basement or how long you waited in line to buy the beer in your fridge. If you want a recommendation on something like Treehouse or Trillium, of course I can help. But if all you drink is beer from those companies, don’t pontificate to me that you understand beer or have any idea about all of the other great beer that’s out there these days. Don’t get me wrong, those companies make excellent beer. However, when you consider you’re spending almost $25 per 4-pack, you wait in line for over an hour at a place that’s hours away, and you’re buying beers with the same hops you find everywhere else (Citra and Mosaic FTW), it’s really difficult for me to get excited for you. Now everyone should try beers from Treehouse and Trillium, among others, because they are great. Personally though, I think of them mainly as a reference point for the stuff you can actually buy at a retail store. Any respectable craft beer shop should have at least 5 beers in the same class. I personally stocked Fort Hill Jigsaw Jazz, 14th Star Tribute, Barnstable Brewing Examen, Two Roads Two Juicy, and IPA’s from Proclamation, Singlecut, Fiddlehead, and way more on a regular basis. All of these products (with the exception of Singlecut) are less than $20 a 4-pack and readily available. Add in the fact that Trillium has been at the center of several controversies, and there’s really no reason for me to get excited about that company.
4. Don’t be Afraid to Return Stuff That Seems Off
This is a tricky one. Unless you’ve had a lot of experience with corked wines or dirty tap lines, it can be hard to tell if a product is off. It can be a little easier if you’re out at a bar, because you can ask the staff what they think (assuming the staff is honest with you). If something tastes off or your cocktail is all ice, it’s okay to send it back and ask for a new beer. Just don’t be a dick about it and maybe try something else next time.
When it comes to returning stuff to a store, be open-minded. I’ve never personally enjoyed handling returned bottles of wine, because I am not an expert in all of the flaws that can arise in wine. TCA, or cork taint, is the probably the easiest of the bunch to identify. If you open a bottle and it smells like a musty basement or wet cardboard, that’s corked. A lot of people use the term to mean flawed, but that is a misnomer. TCA is a chemical that comes from natural corks and can eventually spread to the liquid. This kind of thing happens, so any store should replace this on the spot. This flaw only gets worse over time as well, so if you don’t bring it back immediately it shouldn’t be an issue. For more on wine flaws, check out this article from Wine Folly here.
On the other hand, if you get something that tastes off but aren’t sure, you can bring that back too. However, do so within a day or two of opening it otherwise the bottle will oxidize too much for the wine associate to be able to tell. It also helps to not be an asshole about it and act like they owe you something just because you brought it back. I’m a lot less willing to help someone or give them a refund if they insist that a product is flawed when it is not. If you tell me “something tastes off about this but I’m not sure what it is” then I can work with you to explain what it is you are tasting. If there isn’t a problem, I’ll switch it out for something more your speed. But if you are a dick and don’t want to listen to what I have to say, then you can shove that bottle where the sun don’t shine.
Very rarely do we have issues with beer, but often the problems we do see come from issues on the canning line. We’ll see cans that weren’t sealed properly and leak or cans that lack pressure, both of which leave a flat beer. We’ll also see cans that aren’t filled all the way. These are easy enough to identify right off the bat and can be avoided simply by checking the cans before purchasing them. If you squeeze them and the cans have a noticeable amount of give to them, then just grab the next 4-pack. As for a low fill, that’s pretty self-explanatory. A craft store with a reliable staff should be able to pick these out before they even hit the shelf, but they do get missed from time to time.
Welp, that’s it for round two of Liquor Store Etiquette. I’d love to hear what people think about these posts. If there are any questions regarding maximizing an alcohol-buying experience, or tips on how to avoid awkward confrontations, I’m your guy!
ESPN– “A Birmingham City fan has been jailed for 14 weeks after pleading guilty to assaulting Aston Villa midfielder Jack Grealish during the derby between the sides on Sunday. Paul Mitchell, 27, swung a punch at Grealish when the player’s back was turned after Mitchell ran onto the pitch at Birmingham City’s St. Andrew’s stadium during the Championship match.
Mitchell, from Rubery, Worcestershire, also admitted to invading the pitch and has been banned from attending any football match in the U.K. for 10 years. He was also ordered to pay £350 in fines. The incident happened in the 10th minute of the match between the rivals as Grealish walked away from the stands when the ball went out for a corner. He required no further treatment and went on to score the winning goal for Aston Villa in the second half.”
Now, I’m not generally one for promoting morons running onto the field and streaking and all that jazz. I find it annoying and disruptive to the game, and they rarely do anything exciting aside from getting lit up by security guards (which admittedly can be pretty hilarious). However, if you’re going to do it, you might as well get your moneys worth and punch someone you hate in the face. Did you see the way that guy was celebrating as he was being escorted off the field? He was damn proud of himself, and for that, I’m proud of him too.
The big question becomes, is it worth it? There’s a lot of people I’d like to punch, but not all of those people would I want to spend 3.5 months in jail for on top of a $400 fine and disbarment from attending live games for a decade. In order to risk all that, I’d really have to pick my punches, so to speak. Unfortunately for Paul Mitchell, Grealish got the last laugh as he scored the game winning goal later on in the game, which is admittedly pretty badass on his part. Without any further ado, here’s my list:
7. DAVID PRICE
For anyone who’s a Sox fan, I would think a lot of people agree with this. Although he may have slightly redeemed himself with the World Series run this year, he still pisses me off a lot. Whether it’s because he’s getting in fights with the legendary Eck, throwing 5 out duds in the playoffs, or gaming hard enough to miss games, he’s as irritating as they come for players are actually important to a team. If he sucked, we could just cut him. But since he’s good enough to want to keep around, I’ll settle with a shot to the jaw.
6. LANE JOHNSON
I bet he had a lot of fun not winning a Super Bowl this year. This guy’s obsession with the Patriots is hilarious, and while he revels in beating us one time, we can rest easy knowing he’ll never be on a team as good as that Eagles team that won two years ago. He can run his mouth as much as he wants, but if I had a chance, I’d punch that fucking mouth.
5. BRYCE HARPER
What a frat boy douche. I will admit, there are times in his press conferences that make me laugh, but it’s usually a “what a dumb idiot” kind of laugh. This guy is such a douche he named his dog Swag. If that’s not enough, he’s also the quintessential dipshit bro that describes himself as Hercules and takes 30 minutes to do his hair before games. On top of that, it looks like his jaw was sculpted for punching. I mean, look at that angular monstrosity jammed to the bottom of his mouth just begging for a left hook!
4. NDAMUKONG SUH
This one is a little tough to put here, mainly because of everyone on this list, he’s the one who would murder me the hardest. However, he does make it because if we were to give me the o’ one punch KO at least I’d be too dead to go to jail and pay a fine. That having been said, dude’s a cheap-shotting asshole who probably shouldn’t be in the league anymore. What else is there to say?
3. LEBRON JAMES
It may surprise some people that I only have Lebron at number 3. The truth is, since joining the Lakers, he hasn’t bothered me nearly as much. He’s finally gonna miss the playoffs, he’s one year closer to being too old, and his record off the court is impeccable. Not once has he ever been in an off-the-court scandal the likes of which so many other players fall victim to these days. However, the fact that he’s a known flopper and denies it to all hell, takes plays off on defense and blames his teammates, thinks his ring with the Cavs makes him the GOAT even though he’s 3-5 in the finals and has always been a frontrunner (until signing with the Lakers), and has been the bane of the Celtics existence for the last ten years makes me want to punch his god damn face so fucking bad.
2. ANY WHITE DUKE BASKETBALL PLAYER EVER
Fuck all these guys. A bunch of gritty, obnoxious, punchable punks who rarely if ever become anything more than a role player in the NBA. From Grayson Allen to John Scheyer, JJ Redick to Greg Paulus, all these guys spend 4 years being dicks for Duke before eventually going on to not make the NBA or make sure the bench stays warm. JJ Redick is the main exception to this, and he still pisses me off to this day. And now he’s got that ridiculous sleeve that makes him look less tough than if he didn’t even have tattoos. Seriously, how is that possible? Then you have Grayson Allen, who despite not doing anything since coming to the NBA still drives me crazy for all the shoe untying, pants pulling sac taps he pulled off in his career at Duke. He’s like a dweebier version of Lance Stephenson, and with a much more punchable face. I’ll say it again, Fuck all these guys.
Curt Schilling
And our champion of the guys I’d like to punch in the face tournament, Curt Schilling. Now I know he hasn’t been an athlete for 10 years, and his bloody sock game is one of the best performances in Red Sox history, but I still can’t stand this guy. I respect the hell out of him as a player, but the rest of him can go screw. When he was playing, he had a tendency to be a dick in his morning interviews and blame it in on how he just woke up (maybe try scheduling them for when you’re awake? Just a thought). He is an arrogant, self-righteous prick that made enemies in the clubhouse, in the media and with management everywhere he went. One time when I worked at Best Buy back in college, he came in to buy a bunch of video games for his charity (I’ll give him that one), and my managers took me off the register because they were afraid I’d call him a douche to his face.
But despite being nearly universally hated, screwing over nearly 400 employees and conning $75 million out of the state of Rhode Island, he had the gall to run for political office and think anyone would vote for him? I would trade in all my punches from everyone else on this list to punch Curt in the face just once. Screw you, Schilling.
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The 300s 