Patrick Mahomes Links Up With Troy Polamalu for Commercial; Also, There is Zero Percent Chance Patrick Mahomes Knows Who Troy Polamalu Is

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This is where I’m starting to show my age as a rapidly aging millennial like some sort of reverse Benjamin Button. Patrick Mahomes is a stud, a Madden cover athlete, and a guy that almost stopped Tom Brady from returning to yet another Super Bowl, but he’s only 23. Troy Polamalu is one of the greatest defensive players in the history of the game, but he’s only 38 years old (side note: how many retired athletes look at TB12 and wish they stuck to QB?) and retired after the 2014 season, 3 years before Mahomes was even drafted, and well past his prime of the late 2000s.

My point being, unless Mahomes was a Madden fiend there is a very real chance he doesn’t even know who Troy Polamalu is. Video games are the only reason I can name the top 30 soccer players in the world from 2009-2010. I like soccer, but Xbox and booze fueled FIFA tournaments are so burned into my brain that I still hear “Schweinsteiger!” in my head any time I watch a game.

…well after doing the math, Polamalu was the best safety in the game and NFL Defensive Player of the Year in 2010, when Mahomes was 15 so if he was watching ball in high school it lines up, but doesn’t make me feel any better about being 30.

This Dabo Swinney Baby Tiger Illustration is the Cutest Damn Thing I’ve Ever Seen

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This Dabo baby tiger illustration from ESPN is the cutest goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. So pure, so simple, yet so dead on. Its from a story ESPN published today on how Dabo built Clemson into a monster of a program. Dabo is such a chill dude that probably would befriend a baby tiger, both on their path to global domination. I love Dabo and am a huge Deshaun Watson guy, but I’m not necessarily a Clemson stan and even I want to frame this picture.

Dabo so hot right now, Dabo.

 

Patrick Chung Indicted for Felony Cocaine Possession

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CBSBoston – Patriots safety Patrick Chung has been indicted in New Hampshire on a cocaine possession charge.

Documents released Thursday show Chung was indicted on August 8 for the incident, which police say took place on June 25 in Meredith.

Yayo. Blow. Snow. Cocaina. Nose beers. A forbidden fruit that party animals everywhere toot toot in order to last a few more beers. But I guess in New Hampshire by “live free or die” they mean “live narcotics free or die”. Nerds.

As for the matter at hand:

1.) Remember I mentioned yesterday that Jason McCourty, who is good at playing professional football cornerback, was seeing snaps at safety this training camp? I thinkkk we now might know why. Or at least some of the “why”.

2.) Regardless of what you think of Chung’s play – I think he is the most polarizing longtime Patriot I can remember – He has been huge in the locker and yes, on the field for us and losing him would be a decently big blow.

What NEEDS to happen is for the Pats and the NFL to sort out the consequences of this mess right away. There are roster moves to be made in the next couple weeks and it is critical to the tetris-like nature of NFL roster building that you know who on your roster is even available to play. This means all injuries, suspensions, etc. are, optimally, fleshed out so cuts, signings, and “you’re safe” meetings can be made and had as efficiently as possible. In our case, Chung’s predicament leaves the roster spots of the above mentioned McCourty twin and Obi Melifonwu to consider. I addressed J.Mc yesterday, but Melifonwu is kind of an enigma, where as much of a physical freak and straight up presence he is, he just hasn’t done a ton. This has left his position with the team with huge question marks this offseason. Maybe not though if Chung were to miss a significant amount of time.

Chung’s punishment I could see going one of two ways. The NFL could sort of look the other way as he has not been convicted yet and come on, a little booger sugar never hurt (alotofpeople) anyone. They also could use this at the ass-ramming ying to the reinstatement of Josh Gordon’s yang and tell Chung to kick rocks until this is sorted out. That would suck huh?

Listen, I’m not saying our Super Bowl chances are in jeopardy here. But a key piece of our D is indeed in danger of not playing and it puts the rest of the summer under the microscope in terms of roster moves, the way the team practices, and a whole slew of other behind the scenes shit we don’t think about when knocking back BL smoothies and watching the game on Sundays.

Take a deep breath folks. This ride always gets bumpy in the beginning (9/15 @ Miami). It’s just happening a little sooner this time around.

-Joey B.

PS: P.Chung has long been one of “my guys” so pls respect my privacy at this time.

The 300s First-ish Fantasy Football Round Up Of The Year – Booms, Busts, and Sneaky Picks

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Welcome back, to your favorite fantasy blog as well as mine. It has been a wild ride in the NFL since last fantasy season ended and plenty of players changed teams, retired (COME BACK GRONK), and entered the fold.

With draft season already underway, to be honest (we have jobs leave us alone) we’ve picked the brains of the knowledgeable staff here at The 300s to bring you some players that are a sure thing, some to avoid, and a few to take fliers on later in your draft. Lezgetit.

Red

I am all in on James Conner this year because the guy is the real deal and even if he’s a JAG, he is still playing in Pittsburgh, which has produced a top 5 RB in each of the last 5 years with three different guys. BUY!

Avoid Antonio Brown like the plague this year. The guy has done everything but tell his infamously prickly coach to go shit in a hat. Shooting his way out of Pittsburgh, now the absurd helmet debacle, oh and lets not forget the guy wrecked his feet in a cryogenic chamber. Thats before we even get to the fact that Derek Carr is throwing him the ball, a guy that his own coach doesn’t even believe in. Pass.

My sleeper pick for this year is Ryan Fitzpatrick because you know for a fact he will post 3 or 4 straight weeks of 40 point games as the Dolphins get blown out by anyone and everyone. Pump and dump baby.

Dom (Who had one too many of his own craft cocktails to follow directions but gave some fantastic advice all the same)

I see this as the draft of the cuff running back. I’m buying on Ekeler and Jackson from SD, Henderson from StL, and Pollard from Dallas. It sounds like St Louis is wary of an ongoing injury for Gurley with all of their roster moves in the offseason, and if Gordon and Zeke continue to hold out, those other guys are there to fill the gap. So while I’m not necessarily calling anyone a bust or sleeper, that’s who I’m looking at.

Joey B

Red sort of stole my James Conner idea. He killed it for me last year. With him gone I’m going to go with David Njoku. Ya he’s a Tight End but there are only a handful that are going to produce at such significant levels as I think he will. Add that to Baker Mayfield is settled into year two and the former Hurricane is in for a big year.

I’m staying away from the Dallas football Cowboys. The whole team. It just sounds like a fucking disaster over there and God help them if anything happens to their vaunted offensive line.

For a sleeper I’m going with old friend Chris Hogan. Cam’s receivers occasionally have huge games and he never has had a consistent security blanket in the Hogan mold.

Lippa

Boom: Allen Robinson

People forget just how good Allen Robinson is. He put up 80/1400/14 with BLAKE BORTLES as his QB in 2015. The last two years have been rough for him injury wise, but all reports say that he looks healthy and has been a focal point of the Bears offense. If Trubisky and the Bears offense takes the next step, look out for a big time year from A-Raw.

Bust: Joe Mixon

I am not touching anything with the Cincinnati offense. The Bengals might have the worst offensive line in the league and with no A.J. Green to start the season, defenses will key on Mixon and give him little room to run. I’ll pass here at where he is typically getting drafted.

Sleeper: Damien Harris

So this may take a little while to pan out as Harris is not getting a ton of reps at training camp, but the Patriots took Harris in the third round for a reason. We all know Sony Michel has degenerative knee issues, so the smart bet will be that he isn’t going to hold up for 16 games. If the Patriots trade Rex Burkhead like I expect, Harris is going to be a must-own and will pay dividends as we get deeper into the fantasy season.


Mattes

BOOM/BUY: Kerryon Johnson, RB, Detroit Lions

I’m really hitching my wagon to my BOOM guy this year. Not only have I already chosen the second-year back as my keeper this season, but I’ve also already been telling everyone and their brother how good he is at pretty much every opportunity I’ve had this offseason. Some are sleeping on him after he played in just 10 games as a rookie last year. OK. Yet, when he was on the field, he still averaged 5.4 YPC and displayed the talent which helped him become the 2017 SEC Offensive Player of the Year at Auburn. He’s also a PPR monster, and with Theo Riddick now entirely out of the picture, he could easily approach 60-70 catches in 2019. Also, his new offensive coordinator, Darrell Bevell, loves running backs more than his own family and has seen his rushing attacks finish in the top five for each of the past six seasons he’s coached – including two-straight No. 1 finishes. The only thing I could see hurting Kerryon is C.J. Anderson, who could steal a few carries here and there, especially on the goal line. But it won’t be enough to prevent Kerryon from being a top-15 running back this season – if not even higher – especially in PPR formats.

 

BUST/AVOID: Phillip Lindsay, RB, Denver Broncos

Let me start by saying perhaps it’s a bit unfair to label an undrafted free agent who totaled almost 1,300 yards as a rookie as a BUST in any way. Lindsay was awesome last season. There’s no doubt about that. But this is about this season, where things have changed significantly out in the Mile High City. New coach. New quarterback. And above all, there’s much healthier direct competition than there was at any point last year. While Lindsay stole the show last year, he only had the chance to do so because the team’s other rookie running back, Royce Freeman – whom the Broncos actually drafted in the third round after a standout career at Oregon – was slowed by nagging injuries all year. Freeman’s been getting rave reviews all offseason for how good he’s looked, and the team has already said he’s going to get plenty more opportunities to showcase himself this year. Theo Riddick is also now in the picture, too. I’m not saying to avoid Lindsay entirely, and he could still end being a solid low-end RB2. But drafting him as a foolproof, bellcow RB1 this year is a big mistake.

 

SLEEPER/UNDERVALUED: Leonard Fournette, RB, Jacksonville Jaguars

It’s funny how just last season this guy was a locked-and-loaded first-round pick. Now, he has an ADP of 2.11 in half-point PPR leagues, and I’ve even seen some mocks where he’s not going until Round 3. Have people forgotten how good this dude is? He was an absolute animal at LSU, and he had a fantastic rookie season in 2017 before being slowed by injuries and dumb off-field behavior last year. Apparently, though, he’s learned from his past transgressions and is working hard to get back on track. There’s also reports that they’ve got big plans for him in the passing attack, and the team finally has a quarterback who is actually, ya know, GOOD at football. And above all: Fournette literally has ZERO competition. Seriously, I might even be able to crack the depth chart behind him. Fournette is someone whom I could easily see piling up 1,300 yards on the ground with 10-plus TDs and 40-50 catches to boot. I’m expecting a huge bounce-back year from this dude. Big time.

Christmas Came Early, the XFL Team Names and Logos are Here

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So the XFL announced the names of every team and unveiled their official logos today, which is pretty exciting considering its August 21st and the Patriots are still playing fauxball.

February 2020 cannot come soon enough. The Patriots will be coming off their 4th Super Bowl title in six years after repeating as champs and then we can coast into Vince McMahon’s little football experiment. The AAF failed because it was financed and run by people who had apparently never run a business a day in their lives. Vince has been running one of the most successful entertainment organizations ever for the past 30+ years. If nothing else the man knows how to put on a show.

I was cautiously optimistic about this announcement because these expansion leagues always seem to have the WORST team names. (Looking at you, Atlanta Legends)

So how’d Vince do? Lets break em down.

Houston Roughnecks – First off, I absolutely LOVE the Roughnecks logo, an excellent shoutout to the Oilers of the old days. We have an early favorite folks.

Dallas Renegades – Obviously you have to put at least one team in Texas considering high school football games in Texas draw bigger than some professional teams. The name Renegades screams expansion team though, weak name. Give me something spicy.

LA Wildcats – This sounds like the name of the Rams’ cheer squad. Boooo

New York Guardians – Meh. They’re a silent New York Guardian, a watchful protector, a dark knight that will probably lose a bunch of games by the sheer fact of being too close to the Knicks/Jets/Giants/Mets.

St. Louis BattleHawks – I have no idea what a BattleHawk is, nobody does really, but I fuck with it. Bad ass name.

Seattle Dragons – Any time a new team pulls the ole reliable “Dragon” name off the shelf, I can’t help but go back to Papa Giorgio’s hilarious story of how the Islanders came to have a bastard dragon for a mascot.

Tampa Bay Vipers – I will say the name Viper has come back into vogue thanks almost entirely to one Oberyn Martell before he (spoiler alert) met his untimely demise. Plus its Florida so encountering a pack of Vipers is a very real possibility. Vipers are OK by me.

DC Defenders – Alliteration! Decent idea, but poor exectution. What are they defending? Are they defending Vince McMahon’s idea to launch a bootleg football league for the second time in 20 years? Are they the Marvel Defenders? Prop bet idea: What gets cancelled quicker? The Defenders on Netflix or the DC Defenders of the XFL?

Now I just have to decide which team to stan for so I would like to announce that my XFL fanhood free agency period has officially opened. Let the bidding commence.

Rugby Player Turned 49ers Punter Just Laid the Wood on a Punt Returner

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We’ll probably never see another mammoth like Sebastian Janikowski out there, but we may start to see more “athletes” kicking with the influx of former players like Mitch Wishnowsky here. That is music to my ears because I live for kicker/punter tackle highlights. Its such a disrespected position that you know every kicker is a bottle of pent up rage just waiting to explode on someone.

Roll the Polish Cannon highlights!

One Foot in and One Foot Out: Patriots to Watch in the Third Preseason Game

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Patriots.com – The Patriots will square off this Thursday against the Carolina Panthers in a preseason Week 3 matchup for the fifth time in the last six years and for the second straight season. The Patriots played at Carolina last season, a 25-14 loss.

Week 3 of the preseason is often called the “dress rehearsal” for the regular season. It is where a lot of projected starters play for extended periods of time, most notably the Quarterback, and where we get a real glimpse into who could start Week 1.

Beyond that, based on this game we could also infer, both via playing time and whether or not they play at all, who is on the verge of making the Patriots roster and, well, who isn’t. So besides seeing two solid quarters of Tom Brady under center before he mayyyybe comes out for a hand off next week, there will be some drama unfolding Thursday night as we can attempt to read into who is playing what match ups and when and what is says about their chances to be on the squad this year.

Lets take a look at a few of those guys who have both made strides and fell behind in their quest to play home games in the Greater Providence area this fall.

Well, The Winters Are Cold Here Anyway

Duke Dawson – Like a budding summer romance, I still remember the elation in the wordsmithing of all the sportswriters who championed the Patriots’ pick of the Florida Gator last fall.  What a steal in the second round. He’s fast, he has a nose for the ball, and like any Belichick corner he can tackle. Well, so far really all we’ve been able to deduce is that he can get burnt like toast. Throw that in the pot with the revelation of Jonathan Jones and J.C Jackson and the drafting and then development of Joejuan Williams this spring, stir it up, bake it, and what comes out are Duke Dawson left out cupcakes. with all of that said, The Pats are known to make a surprising move or two every camp, and Belichick has shown a hesitance to cut his early picks so soon (Chad Jackson got two years on the squad. Chad. Jackson).

What to look for – If Dawson does see legitimate action against Carolina then it’s possible The Pats will keep him and jettison Jason McCourty, who has had a weird summer (we’ll get to that). If he doesn’t play much at all or sparingly it means that thanks to his pedigree and draft position that Belichick and Co are most likely fishing for a trade partner. If he is indeed relegated to mop up duty then well, it is simply the end of the road for one of our three alliteral cornerbacks.

Braxton Berrios – The feet Berrios was given for hands aside, you can’t help but kind of feel for the other second year player on this list. First, he came in with fans and media speculating, probably incorrectly, that he was the heir apparent to Julian Edelman. Just a true blue NFL legend and now Super Bowl MVP, no big deal. Then he tore his Achilles and missed all of his first year, a huge blow for a guy transitioning to the pros with such expectations on his shoulders. Finally this year, when he was supposed to come into training camp with a clean slate and work his way onto the depth chart, UDFA rookie WR Jakobi Meyers came out of the woodwork to become the star of the Patriots’ summer (more on him later). So let’s assume Edelman (1), captain clutch Philip Dorsett (2), and 1st Rounder N’Keal Harry (3) are locks. Let’s also say that the team is at least going to give Demariyus Thomas (4) a shot in the next two weeks considering they’ve kept him thus far. If Meyers (5) crushes it in preseason game three then that leaves, usually, one more slot (6). Berrios is going to have to battle journeyman Maurice Harris, a converted CB named Gunner Olszewski, and a couple of other unknowns for the last spot. That’s also assuming we keep six WRs out of camp, which we may not. Tough going for a guy we had high hopes for at one point. But hey, there is always what I mentioned before about Belichick giving his high picks every chance to shine.

What to look for – Simply put if we don’t see Berrios in the slot for any meaningful downs when Brady is on the field then that is probably it. With that said, if he goes on to get fed later in the game then it could just be he’s penciled in as WR #6 and the team didn’t want to waste meaningful TB12 reps on him.

Mike Pennel – Pennel had some substance abuse issues (I’m guessing weed) a few years back but otherwise has been a quite solid, stout DT for the Jets and Packers. So it has been a big disappointment that he has been outplayed, and thoroughly, by Byron Cowart and at other times by David Parry. This one is the hardest to predict as Belichick prefers his DTs meaty and Pennel really fits that bill (wink nudge). Still, my guess is his seat is getting a bit hot.

What to look for – Pennel to make a play, plain and simple. Maybe more than one. If he gets dominated at the line and pulled that could be it for him in New England.
What….Are You?

Derek Rivers – Another once highly celebrated pick who missed his rookie year with an injury. Once labelled a steal, Rivers has yet to make good on the promise he flashed. This preseason he has been moved off the line a bit as the Pats are possibly going to show a lot more 3-4 fronts. Early reports on his performance were good but now Rivers is hurt again. All indications are that he’ll probably make the back end of the Pats LB rotation but it may be hard to justify since he never, you know, plays.

What to look for – Tough call considering Rivers might not play due to the aforementioned injury suffered against the Titans. What that translates to is that I gueeeesss if we see guys at the dead back of the group like Munson getting a lot of snaps it could mean they are saving a seat for Rivers. If he plays, he better see some quality first half time and hear his name called.

Jason McCourty – For the second year in a row it seems like McCourty is fighting for his spot. Last year there was speculation he’d be cut before becoming a damn good CB during the Pats Super Bowl run. But the more things change, the more they stay the same and with the emergence of both J.C Jackson and Jonathan Jones, McCourty seems to be on uneasy footing, even getting a look at Safety to see if there is anything there. That said, I don’t think his spot is in jeopardy. Although this is the strongest group of corners I can remember the team having. McCourty’s veteran presence and ability to play more than one spot should keep him employed.

What to look for – If he indeed sees some significant snaps at safety, even later in the game, my eyebrows may threaten to rise. Same if he sees next to none at CB. Those extremes aside, McCourty should be fine.

On The Bright Side

Jakobi Meyers – ::Bigggg exhale:: Folks there was a training camp not so far back where an unheralded, unheard of rookie made plays all over the field and made us fans think we’d found a steal. Another Brady-esque diamond in the rough. His name was Zach Sudfeld, and he was nicknamed “Mini-Gronk”, a reference to his All-Everything counterpart in the Tight End room (despite being the taller of the two). Sudfeld indeed had a hell of a summer. And then was cut. He had a cup of coffee with the Jets and probably one or two more teams before never being heard from again. Such is preseason. So I am REALLY trying not to get onto this Meyers bandwagon only to get my heart broken. I probably look like a BFI employee hanging off the garbage truck. But man has he looked good. He’s just a “football player”. Great hands, great routes, even seems to have built a rapport with Brady. I’ll stop here.

What to look for – Big snaps and a big performance with the 1’s means he’s in. Anything else I REALLY DON’T FUCKING KNOW.

Damien Harris – For all the talent the Pats have at RB we don’t really have a true rock toter behind Sony Michel, who himself can be scheduled to miss a few games per year. Therefore, Harris could become our true #2, seeing 12ish touches per contest. The huge question mark is whose touches is he taking? My guess? The more expensive and oft-injured Rex Burkhead, who although I did not write up here, may be on his way out. Anyway, Harris has shown impressive vision among other things this preseason.

What to look for – If the kid just goes out and has some fun he could lock up the back up spot, starting when Michel is hurt (which I don’t wish for but come on).

Chase Winovich – Another rookie. Despite being a high selection Winovich was immediately declared a developmental prospect and kind of a tweener. Guess what? The Pats love tweeners. Since he put on pads all “Wino” has done is spend so much time in opposing backfields he has forgotten which team he plays for. With Rivers hurt, Michael Bennett probably on some sort of “pitch count”, and the Pats love of switching up looks, Winovich probably should plan to play a lot.

What to look for – I dunno just a crack a beer and enjoy man. Kid is a lot of fun to watch.

 

Godspeed Lynchie

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Boston.com – For someone so used to saying hello, it’s not easy saying goodbye.

Mike Lynch, the gracious and good-humored Channel 5 sports anchor known as “Lynchie’’ to just about anyone familiar with the Boston sports scene over the last thirty-something years, will anchor his final sportscast on the 11 p.m. news Thursday before transitioning into a correspondent role.

In case you haven’t read between the lines, which I don’t really blame you for, local sports media and your boy Joey B….don’t exactly see eye-to-eye. I don’t think they’re all that intelligent. They don’t have a ton to say. Mostly, I think they take it a bit too much to heart that their job is to troll enough to command ratings. Such palpable disengenuousness does absolutely nothing for me.

This relates mostly to sports radio, but local sports tv is not completely innocent. They are part of the wheel after all.

Mike Lynch is, and always has been, different. He’s been a fixture of my sports fandom for as long as I can remember. Literally the face I see when I think of who brought me highlights growing up in a house with no cable, so no Sports Center.

He comes into people’s home every night, with tonight being the last night, with a friendly, warm, charasmatic presence and brings them the latest in Boston sports. In recent days, he’s been jovial and exultant when we have another ring or parade either locked up or in sight. For my entire childhood, some dark times indeed for Boston sports, he was consoling and hopeful. Almost like a trusted Uncle, one of the ones who didn’t show up to Christmas shitfaced every year.

But time has passed. Maybe Mike Lynch sees twitter and the instant nature of news these days and realizes that sports fans don’t need him as much. I don’t think that is totally the case. I hope it’s just his time to move on to something else, while keeping that correspondent role on the side.

They’ll call him in from the pen if necessary.

-Joey B.

 

Conor McGregor in Fact Did Not Punch an Old Man

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Maxim – New video has surfaced that appears to show Conor McGregor punching an older man after an apparent dispute over whiskey shots at a Dublin bar.

A quick prologue: Props to me for being the first blogger here to link to Maxim, and in a relevant fashion (hah) at that!

So let’s address the point at hand: Yes, another Conor McGregor outburst that is a loss in the PR column. No, Conor McGregor did NOT punch an old man in the face.

McGregor is seen either promoting or drinking whiskey, one can assume his own Proper 12 brand.

He is seen clearly getting offended by the old man.

Then, one of two things happens depending on how many brain cells you have:
-Either Conor McGregor, noted skilled martial artist and breaker of orbital bones, threw some sort of non-upper cut punch that sort of phased said old man.
-Orrrr he shook a shot of said whiskey at the old man before throwing it in his face.

Ya, the latter happened. You can see the shaking, the motion, and Conor pulling just short of the guy’s face. The geezer barely turned, which needless to say would not be the level of consequence if Conor McGregor’s left hand made contact with his jaw. Conor’s management/crew jumped in to pull him away and other than that nothing happened. I think if a punch was thrown in a bar in Dublin there’d be more of a to do about it, no?

So TMZ is doing TMZ things. And ya, Conor was a jackass again. But maybe the next time there is a hotheaded MMA fighter doing a promo next to him at a bar, that old timer will pipe down. I’ve gotten whiskey in the eyes, it stings.

-Joey B.

Training Camp Outside Foxboro: Colt McCoy, QB1 and Antonio Brown’s Feet Are Circumcised

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The Washington Post – “I feel like Colt, obviously, has the edge because he has the knowledge and ability as well,” Peterson said. “He’s been shown to have a really strong arm and been consistent as well.”

ProFootballTalk – “My feet is pretty much getting circumcised, right? Right? For real,” Brown said to the NFL Films cameras after pulling off his socks. “It’s kind of like a pull back right now. I’m [expletive] circumcised on my feet. Hopefully my feet are born again, and I figure to run faster. Feel sorry for me later.”

A couple of stories here to get you through the doldrums of Pats camp when you’ve read all you can that day. Sure, we all care most about what is happening with our Patriots, but it is never a bad idea to check in elsewhere. Actually, it is a cautionary tale, a reminder to savor the fact that we’ve had it so good for two decades. We could easily be part of the stories above.

Contestant number one has to come with the qualification that I am indeed a Colt McCoy fan. I think if he never got bumblefucked in the National Title Game to the point where he couldn’t feel his own damn arm and then was brought along gradually in the NFL he could have been a top 20-15 QB. Alas, it wasn’t to be. So now this headline is funny instead of tantalizing. The best part is of course we have AP inserting himself into a conversation he has no business in. If you weren’t aware, AP is kind of just an asshole like that. A bit of a pot stirrer. So now poor rookie Dwayne Haskins, from THE Ohio State University, has to look at his D-End sized RB every time he breaks and the huddle and know that the guy would rather have Ol’ Aw Shucks over there under center. Ain’t that a bitch?

And contestant number two features Antonio “The Biggest Diva Wide Receiver Since Keyshawn” Brown having no respect to ancient Jewish traditions. Circumcised feet? Never! Keep in mind this is a millionaire athlete who did not know how to properly insert the body he inhabits that is worth said millions into a cryo-therapy chamber. Nor did he think to ask the staff how to do it in order to not break said million dollar body. So he just said, “hey, how hard could it be?” and cost himself and his team 10 practices where he could have been building chemistry with Derek “I may now have too much trauma to succeed” Carr under the guise of notably batshit head coach Jon Gruden. AB, you’re a role model for every “scrappy” WR just “trying to make the team”.

-Joey B.