Three. More. Wins. Bruins Take a 1-0 Lead in the Stanley Cup Finals

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Now THAT was a fun ass game. Thats what playoff hockey is all about. Lightning quick pace, monster hits, and silky smooth mitts.

Not long into this game though I was starting to swear at myself for jinxing the Bruins by writing about how well Tuukka’s been playing just hours before puck drop. That would have been quite the cross to bare, but luckily the Bruins drank some of David Pastrnak’s iced cold brew because they were shot out of a cannon for the final 40 minutes of this game.

Torey Krug drew an audible gasp from me when he came flying in from the left side of your screen to absolutely blow up the Blues’ Rob Thomas. The hit of the year came from one of the smallest guys in the NHL and he lit Thomas up.

I already said to the Mrs. that if the Bruins win the Cup, thats the photo we’re getting framed.

Apparently he’s fine, but Chara got smoked with a puck and it looked gruesome.

I’m not sure if he’s fine or “hockey fine” but its good to see he didn’t break his wrist or anything. I guess if you’re that big you’re just naturally going to have thicker bones than your average bear.

Also shoutout to Connor Clifton for being the first QU alumni to ever score on a goal in the Stanley Cup Finals. NBD.

Going into this game the No. 1 thing I saw was that the Bruins have a historically efficient powerplay in these playoffs and the Blues are near the bottom in the penalty kill. So naturally the Blues took a bunch of dumb penalties, including David Backes getting cross checked in the mouth.

Luckily for St. Louis the Bruins looked like a team that hadn’t played in 11 days and came out sluggish before going down 2-0. After the first though the B’a were flying around and seemed to have shaken off the rust. A little too much fancy passing on the powerplay for my taste, but the B’s looked like the better team hands down. So the Blues need to so something big or completely avoid the stupid penalties if they’re going to have a shot.

The puck drops on Game 2 tonight and lucky for me I’ll be on a plane so I’ll be sure to demolish the airline on Twitter when he stream doesn’t work.

Daniel Sloss: The Comedy Hero We Need in the Era of “PC” and “Woke”

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On Sunday nights, being the cinefile that I am, I like to watch a movie in the approximately two hour window leading up to when I’d like to go to bed. Personally, this is an ideal way to end the weekend and ready the body and mind for the week ahead in the best way possible.

This practice obviously involves an arduous selection process that is not for the faint of heart. First of is my mood and pickiness. Do I want a comedy? A drama? A thriller? Then there is the shear volume. Netflix, all the premiurm channels, new on demand movies I’d be willing to pay a few bucks for. This weekend was particularly rough as aside from Saturday’s festivities I did nothing but watch movies and TV so I had a recently viewed palate to make do with.

Always a sucker for a solid coming-of-age movie I went with one. It was a disastrous choice. There was too little going on with too many people. None of it made me care about any of it. About 30 minutes in a realized I needed something else. However at that point I was also getting tired. I didn’t have the energy for a 90+ minute endeavor. Then I remembered….

In searching for the latest British (kind of obsessed with across the pond entertainment right now) fare on Netflix, I came across a comedian named Daniel Sloss. I watched the trailer to his special (actually two) and added it to the list. On this sleepy Sunday night I went back, found the first special, “Dark” was only an hour long, and started watching.

Let me tell you this was the best stand up special I’ve seen in years, and this side of Segura and Burr. Sloss combines a lot, but not a frantic amount, of energy with supremely crafted, utterly intelligent jokes, all told with an almost shrugging wit and humility.

What makes this special however, is how without even trying to do so Sloss gives the middle finger to PC culture in general. The special is called “Dark” because of some of the topics of Sloss’ jokes. This isn’t “dark” humor in the vein of Anthony Jeselnik however, these are jokes based on the harder, more emotional. and more painful experiences one may have to walk through in life, but that are, as Sloss points out, indeed real things that happen to us and that need to be addressed. Basically, you don’t have a right to be offended by what other people are going through, or by their need to somehow find humor in it.

There are even some serious moments in “Dark” (I admittedly haven’t watched the second of the two specials, “Jigsaw”, yet). I understand that isn’t for everybody. But his ability to work his way through those intermissions and bringing you out laughing on the other end is not only relatable, but a sort of metaphor for life itself.

So I IMPLORE your to take the time to watch this kid do his thing in the coming days. Joey B stamp of approval through and through.

-Joey B

 

Apparently Rob Pelinka is Insane and the Lakers Are Even WORSE OFF Than We Thought

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Remember when Red wrote a wonderful blog regarding the schadenfreude we as Boston fans were feeling as we watched the entire LA Lakers organization implode? That was not even a fortnight (apparently we’re just using that now, shouts GOT) ago and already it seems that Red’s musing were just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. Below what doomed Jack Dawson to an icy grave lay even greater and more fundamentally devastating risks to Lakers basketball mortality.

That’s saying something. I mean Red already touched on the fact that Pelinka was a tumor in that organization. Jeanie Buss is listening to everyone and everything except logic and basketball sense. Add that to the fact that it seems like NBA players have woken up to the fact that playing for noted top-5 global narcissist Lebron James maybe isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and man, things were already pretty bad.

Now out comes these stories where Pelinka seems like not just a piece of shit, but an absolute lunatic. First you have all the stories of Pelinka quoting the Bible in reference to players like Kentavious Caldwell-Pope. Just sort of out there references better fit for a WWE ring than the NBA. Now you have this story about Pelinka arranging for Kobe to have dinner with Heather Ledger after he was so enamored with Ledger’s performance in “The Dark Knight.” The only problem is the only time Kobe was in New York after the movie came out was a full year after Ledger died. So that would have been tough to say the least.

To recap, the Lakers are owned and operated by an increasingly isolated owner getting bad advice from possibly worse advisors. Their star player is an egomaniac who doesn’t seem to have the clout or magnetism in the league he once did to get players to come play with him, and the other guy involved is a snakelike pathological liar who quotes the Bible in reference to point guards. Got it.

Red already said the Lakers were a dumpster fire. That fire has now spread.

Isn’t it great?

-Joey B.

Is Tuukka Rask Actually Outplaying Bruins Legend Tim Thomas?

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Tuukka Rask is playing out of his skull and the Boston Bruins are heading to the Stanley Cup Finals for the first time since 2013. The last time the Bruins played a Stanley Cup Finals game I walked out of Jerry Remys by Fenway (RIP to that bar btw) and angrily walked the 2 miles home to my Allston apartment after Tuukka gave up a last minute goal in Game 6. Now, Tuukka is playing like an absolute stud. I don’t know if he’s sworn off Buff’s wings or what, but the guy has been on a tear. I noticed in the last Bruins game, which feels like a month ago at this point, just how intensely focused Rask looked in pre-game warmups. Take it for what its worth, but he looked like a guy that had just taken 6 scoops of pre-workout and was seeing through space.

I think to properly put this Tuukka run into perspective, we should put it up against the 2010-11 Tim Thomas run, which elevated Thomas to god status (rightfully so). It might surprise you, but Tuukka has actually been better.

Tim Thomas 2010-11 Playoffs: 

  • 25 games
  • .940 save percentage
  • 1.98 GAA

Tuukka Rask 2018-19 Playoffs:

  • 17 games (and counting)
  • .942 save percentage
  • 1.84 GAA

Thats astonishing, even with how well Rask is playing these numbers still surprised me. Thomas was playing in rarified air during that 2010-11 Stanley Cup run with one of the greatest postseason performances I’ve ever seen. This isn’t baseball where David Price had 3 good starts. No, Thomas was on fire for a month. And now Tuukka is playing at an even higher level statistically. Now all of this will be forgotten by the 4th of July if the Bruins and/or Tuukka lay an egg in the Stanley Cup Finals.

I’m really pulling for the Bruins here because the last time they won I had literally just moved to New York after college. I watched the Bruins win Game 7 and raise the Stanley Cup from a bar in upstate NY by myself. Actually a pretty bizarre scene thinking back.

Would be nice to celebrate with my hockey brethren this time around. Four. More. Wins. LETS GOO

Ben Watson Suspended and a Few Other Patriots Notes After Week 1 of OTAs

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Image result for ben watson

Late on Sunday evening, in the midst of many’s Memorial Day Weekend celebrations, we received the news that Patriots tight end Ben Watson has been suspended for the first four weeks of the 2019 season for using a banned substance. Interestingly enough, it was actually Watson himself – not the NFL – who first broke the news in a very candid Facebook post:

Basically, the 38-year-old admitted to taking the banned substance in March (something called Bio Identical Testosterone Cypionate) at the advice of his doctors. After a long, exhausting 14-year NFL career – as a tight end no less – the man was simply trying to recover as quickly as possible and pursue other professional opportunities. He said that at the time he chose to take it, he had absolutely no intention of returning to the NFL.

Welp, that sentiment changed rather quickly, and now Watson will need to pay the price.

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Look, I’m not going to get on the guy at all for what he did. To be honest, as fans I think it’s a bit ignorant to try and comment on the physical toll an NFL career can take on one’s body, and often people are too quick to judge some of the steps these guys need to take in an effort to feel better. I could go into a diatribe about how products like HGH and other “drugs” which help both former AND current players heal up in the offseason are viewed in an entirely unfair and negative light. I truly believe he was just trying to recover and move on. Apparently, he even told the team about everything before signing on in early May, and it’s pretty obvious he’s trying to be as forthright as possible.

Ben Watson is still the epitome of what it means to be a professional in the NFL. He’ll return for the team’s trip down to Washington in Week 5, and his presence – particularly in the locker room – will be vital throughout the rest of the season, especially with such a young roster. For now, guys like Austin Seferian-Jenkins and Matt LaCosse (more on him in a second) will need to hold it down at tight end. Everything will be just fine; it’s just a tough break for Watson.

And now for a few others notes from this week’s OTAs:

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  • Rookie wide-out N’Keal Harry has been getting RAVE reviews from pretty much everybody who was in attendance at practice this week. Oftentimes, it takes wide receivers – even those who were drafted in the first round like Harry – quite a while to catch on and feel comfortable in an NFL offense. But apparently the kid came out gangbusters right away and has been making plays all over the field. Per ESPN Boston’s Mike Reiss: “When I watched the 6-foot-2, 228-pound Harry in practice, his large catch radius and the way he snatched the ball were notable (even as a punt returner). Harry, whom Belichick referred to as ‘smart,’ lined up in multiple spots and seemed to be decisive in knowing where he was going.” And he’s hardly the only media member gushing over the rookie’s performance this week. Yes, it was just one week of offseason practice, and no Brady wasn’t there, but…
  • Apparently both Harry and Julian Edelman had a private workout session with Brady at some point recently, and there are photos. (It’s really tough to gather much from a total of five shots, but it’s obvious the kid is putting in work. And TFB clearly believes in him already.)

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  • Though there are a group of guys who will be fighting for position on the wide-receiver depth chart all offseason, the competition at left tackle is really the most important battle. Many expect Isaiah Wynn – who was drafted in the first round last year and missed his entire first season due to an Achilles injury – to slide right in and take over for Trent Brown as Brady’s blind-side protector. In fact, when asked in early May about Wynn’s chances to become such, O-line coach Dante Scarnecchia said the following: “That’s where we have him penciled in to play. He’s in the middle of trying to get his Achilles right, so he’ll be out there when he’s ready and we’ll take it there.” That’s about as typical of  Patriots response as you’ll ever see, and truthfully it doesn’t mean anything until Wynn is finally able to get back out onto the field and prove himself. But the team’s confidence in him hasn’t waned after a lost rookie campaign, and I’m excited to see what the kid will bring to the table.
  • In the meantime, the team made the interesting choice of using Joe Thuney – who has been the team’s starting left guard for the past three seasons – as the stand-in at left tackle for much of the week. Thuney is no stranger to the position, though, as he was named an All-American as a left tackle during his senior season at North Carolina State. Thank goodness for players like him, who are always ready to roll and play wherever the team needs them to at a moment’s notice. Ultimately, he’ll probably swing back inside once Wynn is healthy. However, it’s good to know we have a solid insurance plan if that doesn’t work out as planned.

Patriots TE Matt LaCosse

  • Paul Perillo of Patriots.com highlighted tight end Matt LaCosse as someone who stood out to him. Perillo mentioned that he looked good as a “move” tight end, demonstrating an ability to run and get open while also displaying good hands. There were a lot of people who were high on Lacosse during his time in Denver, and the Pats did jump on him pretty quickly after free agency began. We could have a little sleeper on our hands here, folks. He is someone I’ll be keeping a very close eye on going forward this offseason.

The Patriots’ next round of OTAs is scheduled for May 29 & 30 before mandatory minicamp starts up on June 4.

To Be Mad and Lashing Out – MY List of the 10 Best High School Movies of Our Time

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Context: There is a movie coming out called “Booksmart” (truth be told iono how it’s stylized but why the fuck do people stylize shit anyway?) directed by Olivia Wilde. I saw a trailer for it when I went to see “Us” and it looked not totally dissimilar to “Superbad” in the best ways possible, swapping in female leads and the unique challenges that girls encounter in adolescents as opposed to boys. It looked funny and endearing in the way only High School Movies (note the fucking capital letters) can. It’s getting rave reviews and I look forward to seeing it.

Leading up to it’s a release, a certain website, spearheaded by a certain media personality known for his affection for Boston sports and who made his bones working for a certain, global leader in sports, posted a list of their top 25 High School Movies (notice themmmmm!) of all time. It was aggregated and synopsized by the writing staff, and while the content is good, especially at calling out some truly repugnant scenes from John Hughes’ work in the 80’s, there were some also some holier-than-though Woke Generation criticisms (I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY HAD THE GUYS IN HIGH SCHOOL TALKING ABOUT WHO’S HOT AND WHO’S NOT IN “SHE’S ALL THAT!!!) and some GLARING omissions and misorderings.

So here I am, Uncle Joey B, to save you all with my list of the Top 10 High School Movies Of Our Time. What does “of our time mean”? Well, I was born in the late 80’s and really began to be aware of pop culture by the late-90’s. So, while I did not get to see High School Movies that came out beginning in the late-90’s, I did a few years after their release when they still were still relevant with casts I recognized and soundtracks I enjoyed. A critical piece of this is that technology had not begun to evolve at breakneck speeds yet as it has now. In contrast to the timeline of my life, someone who was only 7 or 8 in 2007 would have (probably?) been too young to have seen “Superbad” upon its release. By the time they were 13ish, it’s 2012 or 2013 and Michael Cera holding a flip phone perusing porno MAGAZINES looks likes a total dickhead. That inability to relate just wasn’t as much of a problem as I cruised into my teenage years.

One quick note: I’m also going to include “All-Timers”. These are movies from any era that regardless of when they came out speak to you and your sense of nostalgia, to a time when you had no idea what was going on with your mind, body, or soul.

But enough preface. Here is the list, starting with a couple that didn’t make the cut.

 

Joey B’s Personal Selection – “The Spectacular Now” (2013)

This is by and large a drama and a love story, but it is specifically about two broken people. One has done an inspiring job keeping it together (Shailene Woodley) and one is perfectly fine self-destructing (Miles Teller). This movie will make you uncomfortably relate to it, whether you care to admit it or not.

Honorable Mention #1 (So I Don’t Get Executed) – “Mean Girls” (2004)

This is literally everyone I know’s “favorite movie” in some capacity. It is considered a sin to be a graduate of the classes of 04′-07′ and not worship at the temple of this movie. I like it and think it’s funny, it launched Rachel McAdams, but it just doesn’t land as much with me. Still a phenomenal flick though, just not my thing.

Honorable Mention #2 (Just Plain Fuckin Weird) – “Virgin Suicides” (1999)

Sofia Coppola’s directorial debut told the story of three blonde sisters who were controlled by overprotective parents and therefore….see the title. That’s all I’m telling you.

Honorablest Of Mentions – “Dead Poet’s Society” (1989)

I’ve written about how Robin Williams was my hero growing up and quite frankly this one transcends being a High School Movie so I couldn’t include it in the list. That said, Williams costars alongside a number of talented young actors in a movie that explores how we navigate class, wealth, education, and relationships from the POV of a prep school in the 50s.

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10.) “Can’t Hardly Wait” (1998)

One in a slew of “last night of high school/last party” movies, this one appears to be just a melting pot of cliches mashed together for pure cheesy entertainment: the geek going after the hot chick, the nerds trying to go to their first party, the wanksta (particularly relevant in the 90’s). However, “Can’t Hardly Wait” had fuckin LAYERS. The wanksta (Seth Myers) was actually lonely and sad, the hot chick fucking hated the attention. Every insecurity we now know, in retrospect, lay within ourselves and our friends, is laid bare.

9.) “She’s All That” (1999)

Accidentally catching feelings for someone, especially in high school when your hormones are about as predictable as an unlabeled edible, is a tale as old as time. In this one, Freddy Prinze Jr. makes a bet with Paul Walker that he can turn the geek of their H.S into prom queen. GUESS WHAT HAPPENS?! Anyway, I never thought Rachel Leigh Cook got enough credit, neither for being as stunning as she is nor for being a fucking FORCE in “She’s All That”.

8.) “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off  (1986)

Some might criticize me for the low ranking, but as years have gone by, this one has started to seem like it moves slow to me. It still is a fucking hilarious tale of a kid skipping school to hustle his way into the ultimate day off. Not to mention each actor NAILS their character, from Broderick’s cocky, slick Ferris, to Cameron and his neuroses, to Genie the jealous, bitter, goodie two-shoes sister. A flawed masterpiece if there ever was one.

7.) The Perks Of Being A Wallflower (2012)

This is purely a favorite movie of mine, probably top-20, and I know a favorite of Mattes’ as well. A scared-shitless freshman with a troubled past is befriended, not without some bumps along the way, by a group of older misfits including, of a course, “a girl”. Just gut punch after gut punch of teenage confusion and young love, but in the more serious context of mental illness. Just wow, not a ton to write man. (LoveyouEmma).

6.) “The Girl Next Door” (2004)

I’ve recently begun reminding anyone who will listen and a handful who didn’t want to about this forgotten treasure. To be very, very clear, this is “my” High School Movie. This is what brings back allll the feels, as the kids say. I watched this with a couple of my buddies probably 10 times between the ages of 15 and 16. Emile Hirsch stars as a bookish high school senior who tries to figure out how to pay for his upcoming four years at Georgetown, all the while falling for the girl who has moved in next door and has a couple of scantily clad skeletons in her closet. I recently watched again and remembered every dumb thing I said to every girl I went after in high school and every dumb way I got dumped for every dumb fuck up. And I smiled all the way to the credits.

P.S – The limo scene with David Gray playing is the GOAT High School Movie scene.

5.) “10 Things I Hate About You” (1999)

Another favorite of mine as well as friend of the blog Patty B’s. This movie is just fucking iconic. You have Heath Ledger before we knew what he could REALLY do. Joseph Gordon-Levitt at his baby-faced, affable best. A smokin hot Alex Mack. David Krumholtz still being David Krumholtz all the way back in 1999. Just excellent. Interesting it was also a dating-for-cash movie like “She’s All That” but this one is based on Shakespeare, as Ledger tries to woo a not-having-it Julia Stiles as part of a bigger plot, except, you know. Also: a BANGIN mid/late-90’s alt-rock soundtrack set in a bougie high school. You couldn’t tell if you were jealous or hated everyone in it.

4.) “Varsity Blues” (1999)

Do I really need to explain this one? When the star-QB (Paul Walker again) goes down, backup and popular every-man Jonathan “Mox” Moxon (James Van Der Beek) has to come in and finish the season out under the pressure of his town, his overbearing father, his psycho coach, and his disillusioned concern for his cliched present and hopeful future. Also featured is horrrrrrrrrrribly underrated 90’s chick Amy Smart. There’s all the partying, girls, and frivolity that make these movies great with the sensitivity that makes them mean something.

3.) “American Pie” (1999)

Aftermath Records albums and High School Movies, THAT’S WHAT 1999 DOES (DID…apparently). Anyway the aforementioned dipshits at the aforementioned website left this one off. their list. altogether. How you even begin to create such a list without “American Pie” is beyond me. It is a tale as old as time: A group of self-conscious guys facing the end of high school want to lose their virginity while their smoother or more advanced friends help them do it. That’s it. That’s the movie. Except along the way they learn one of life’s greatest lessons: there are far better things to discover in the fairer sex than just carnal pleasures. Trust me on that one, I’m 30, single, and have severe trust and commitment issues. “American Pie” also boasts maybe the GOAT High School movie feud in Stiffler-Finch. And Tara Reid.

2.) “Dazed And Confused” (1993)

I either wrote or considered writing a blog awhile back with the thesis being “Dazed And Confused” is the greatest “Rainy Day Movie” of all time. That is a very specific, unquantifiable, and inflammatory thing to state but I stand by it. On a lazy Saturday when it is rainy and you don’t want to go outside, if this Linklater classic comes on you are all set. The story of popular QB Randall “Pink” Floyd and the complicated way one has to navigate friendships between cliques in high school, “Dazed And Confused” is hysterical, touching, and a great look into that moment in your life when you realize there just might be more to it.

1.) “Superbad” (2007)

Did anyone else get caught drinking/smoking something/fucking/making out/doing literally anything in high school? Well up to when “Superbad” came out, movie party scenes always seemed overblown and inaccurate to me. They just didn’t encapsulate what I experienced. Then “Superbad” came out and the final party scene was so dead on I remember feeling a momentary panic as if I had been caught as referenced above. Like, “Oh shit, they know.” Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg did it, man – they nailed what it was like to wrap up high school, go to a party, hang out with your best friend, and be terrified of what happens next. GOAT.

 

No conclusion.

-Joey B.

Queen Mallory Edens Just Put Drake in a Bodybag

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While the rest of the internet is blogging about Aaron Rodgers’ absolute embarrassing chugging performance,

I’m more focused on Queen Mallory making power moves and demolishing Grammy winning rappers.

Mallory Edens has really blown up recently, probably due to our humble website blogging about the Queen on a regular basis, but she just jumped into the stratosphere by putting Drake in a bodybag. Sitting court side rocking the Pusha T shirt, she just put Jimmy back in a wheelchair.

For anyone who doesn’t follow internet rap beefs, Drake and Pusha T got reeeeaaaal personal last year. Pusha T legitimately outed Drake on a diss track for secretly fathering a son with a porn star. Pusha rapped about Drake’s boy, 40, probably dying soon because he has Multiple sclerosis. Yikes. KFC actually had a really thorough breakdown of the beef if you’re interested in all the deets.

So for Mallory to wear that shirt right in Drake’s face is a power move. Drizzy seems smitten by the move and to be perfectly honest its hard to blame him.

Bend the knee for the Queen and save your kingdom.

 

Liquor Store Etiquette III: The Do’s and Don’ts

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It’s your go-to beer snob back with round 3 of Liquor Store Etiquette! I know it’s been a while since the last time I wrote one of these, but you’ll have to accept my excuse: I’ve been too busy drinking beer fresh off the line at my new stomping grounds, 3 Stars Brewing Company. In this post I’ll go over the right way to return bottles (yes there is a right way), the habits of my favorite customers, and what drives me crazy at the register.

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  1. Only Return Bottles That You’d Want to Sort Yourself

Ah, bottle returns. The most annoying part of the job for any employee. Some stores are lucky enough to have machines that will force the customers to sort the products themselves. Cool. The problem with these is they can only be rented by the store (at least in Mass), so you have to get enough returns to not lose money on the investment. This leaves most small stores the task of sorting them by hand. This becomes infinitely worse when customers bring in nasty cans and bottles. Here are some easy rules to follow when it comes to returning bottles:

-Rinse your bottles. Nobody wants to get your stale beer all over their hands and clothes.
-Don’t bring back broken bottles, cans that have been shotgunned, or anything that may cut the employee. I’m not getting tetanus because of some lazy jabroni.
-If it’s a craft beer, bring your empties back to where you bought them. Most stores don’t accept returns for products they don’t carry. Don’t argue about it. We know the law, and the law says we are only required to take back items we’ve sold.
-Don’t bring back cans that have been crushed/can’t be scanned or empties you found under your deck that have been there for three years and have now accumulated all sorts of mold, dirt, earth and funk.

If you are unwilling to do any of these things, either recycle them like a normal person or bring them to a redemption center. If you do take them to a redemption center, don’t be surprised if they turn you away. Oftentimes, they are just as strict as retail stores.

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2. Enough With the Cliche Jokes

I’m all for stupid dad jokes. Just ask my wife, she’ll tell you. But, most of the time, these types of jokes should stay at home. Retail workers and service employees hear the same stupid jokes over and over again. And, after the second time hearing a joke, it gets difficult to be fake-nice. Obviously, that’s part of the job. But, you should aspire to not make yourself look like a jackass every time you go somewhere. I’d say at least once a day I get some moronic answer to the yes or no question of “Is there anything I can help you find today?”

Some common responses:

-the winning Megaball ticket
-a million bucks
-A one way ticket to (insert country here)
-a supermodel to be my wife

When you ask people that question over 100 times a day, your cheesy come back gets stale…fast! If I had $5 for every time I heard one of these, I’d be on beach somewhere thinking about how much those people suck.

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3. Pick the Staff’s Brain

My favorite customers are ones that look for recommendations. Of course, this relies on a competent staff. For the sake of this article, we’re assuming that’s usually the case. Great staff members know what their customers like and don’t like. They will not only keep products in mind for the next time they see these customers, but they’ll even go so far as to stock products specifically for them. I personally did this with at least a dozen products. There’s nothing wrong with the guy who only drinks Bud Light. Not a fan, but I can appreciate that it’s a crowd pleaser. However, the customers I look forward to helping are the ones who not only want to know what’s new and what I’m excited about but also purchase products based on my recommendations as often as their livers allow.

4. Don’t Waste the Staff’s Time

This point runs off of my previous one: if you are going to ask for help, listen to what I have to say. Don’t waste my time by asking me a question and then immediately shutting off your brain. God gave you ears for a reason. It also helps to avoid having the same conversation with the same staff member every time you visit a shop. Oh, you like Cabernet Franc? I fucking know, Harvey! You’ve told me this every time I’ve seen you for the past 5 years. What’s that? You’re just going to get Bud Light even though I spent the last 20 minutes explaining to you the difference between every IPA we stock? Well, fuck you too, Susan! Don’t bother starting these conversations if you’re just going to ignore our advice and get the same shitty product you came in for in the first place? I don’t need to be there for you to pick out crap. I’ve got plenty of work to do without your dumb ass wasting my time telling me you just can’t seem to get as much head in Massachusetts as you did in Delaware (either pour more enthusiastically or talk to your wife, Bill).

Well, that’s enough complaining for me today. I’m getting near the end of my liquor store complaints, but still have a few left in the tank. Hopefully, Part IV will be out a little quicker than Part III. Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy and employ these tips!