Bridgeport, Conn. Woman Loses Fingers After Lighting Dynamite She Thought Was Candle

Image result for no explosives

A woman blew off several fingers when she accidentally lit a quarter stick of dynamite in her home Thursday night, officials said.

Assistant Fire Chief Michael Caldaroni, who was the battalion chief at the scene, said the woman lit what she thought was a candle during the power outage caused by the severe storm that hit the city Thursday night. Instead, police spokesman Av Harris said, she lit a quarter stick of dynamite.

Image result for wat meme

You really can’t make this stuff up.

Let me just start off by saying that this sounds absolutely horrific, and I sincerely feel for this woman. BUT SERIOUSLY WTF???!!!

Like HOW??!! I have so many questions.

First and foremost, where in the literal EFF do you even get a stick of dynamite? And if it’s in your house, HOW DO YOU NOT EVEN KNOW??

“Honey, have we checked our emergency items stash in a while? Let’s see…we got backup flashlights, batteries, blankets, gallons of water…OK, good…OH and OF COURSE a stick of fucking dynamite!”

Secondly, how long did it take her to realize it wasn’t a candle? In reality, it should’ve taken 0.5 seconds considering that I assume a quarter stick of dynamite does not look or feel anything like a candle aside from its shape and maybe the fact there’s typically a wick on top. But once that wick starts disappearing at a rapid rate and sizzling, that should’ve been a pretty solid tip off.

Apparently, after her children called 911, police and fire officials also found another item that appeared to be a “makeshift firework” somewhere in the house.

Knowing that little tidbit of info, here’s my hypothesis: One of her brilliant offspring was messing around with illegal explosives and left one of their little “inventions” lying around the house. This poor woman, who was just trying to shed some light for the family during a blackout, is now maimed because of it.

Way to go, junior!

At this point, I am so done feeling bad for people who mess around with fireworks and other things that go BOOM. Sure, I don’t mind checking out a sweet display of explosions and color on a nice July night from a safe distance, but seriously don’t bring one of those things near me. Leave it to the professionals, people; I don’t even mess with freakin’ sparklers.

So, let’s let this be a lesson for everyone, and cheers to a speedy recovery for this woman.

But, wow. Just wow. Happy Friday.

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About Mattes

Pronounced like the general. I'm all about the Celtics, Pats, Sox, and fantasy football...and dogs. Former editor who's back on that writing flow, chiming in on all of the above, with perhaps some comic book news and conspiracy-fueled personal manifestos along the way.
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