I know your first question after reading this headline was, “Is this really blog-worthy?” Well, you see, fuck you very much.

So my office is set up funny because it is an old industrial building repurposed for use by a modern tech-centric company. There are random walls and shit everywhere because previously there were not walls in a a lot of places where you kind of need them. Like, for instance, the one between this one team’s pod (we don’t have cubes, just series of clustered desks) and the men’s shitter, on my floor.

Moving forward, I come out of the bathroom yesterday, around that wall, at which point I am basically smack dab in the middle of that pod. As I walk on through back towards where I sit, I notice the girl with her back directly toward me is eating a muffin. Our office is directly above a bakery so nothing odd about that.

What is indeed odd with that is just how this young lady is consuming said treat. To be clear, I walked past her a good ten feet, turned around, walked back to the pod, and came back around beside her to make sure I saw what I saw (her monitor blocked my view otherwise), just standing there perplexed for a second.** That is how outrageous I found her approach. To keep stringing you along, I’ll now state that I believe there are two universally acceptable ways to eat a muffin (Latin: Muffinus breakduo), with one marginal way that is also passable:

1. The Two-sided Approach – This method of eating a muffin is probably the most “traditional” and consists of splitting the muffin in half, the top from the bottom and, usually, applying some butter on each side. Just delightful.
2. The Pick Apart Approach – The muffin is a great on-the-go food for this reason. In this approach, you simply reach into the bag where your muffin is stored or maybe on the plate in front of you and just pick pieces off at a time. I aint mad at it.
3. Marginal: The King Solomon Approach – This one weirds me out just a little. This is similar to the Two-sided Approach except that you cut the half in half in entirety so that there are two equal pieces with half of the top and half of the bottom as part of each. Whatever blows your hair back I suppose (you savage).

This is it. This is how this one food is consumed. Out of the three, this colleague of mine was utilizing none of them. So how was she going about it? What was her tactical battle plan for consuming her breakfast-leaning sweet?

She was eating it like a motherfucking cupcake.

That’s right. No butter, no nothing. She had peeled either down or off the wax paper on the bottom of the muffin and was just opening wide and snapping down on that thing like it was a birthday party in the 3rd grade/a cute wedding. I was fuckin shooooooooooooooooook. It brought me to two possible conclusions: Either she is an alien trying to seamlessly fit in with human society and had a giant slip up or she was simply never taught how to eat a muffin and therefore probably also tortured small animals as a child. No matter which way you shake it I am never turning my back on this (very small by the way) woman again. She is not to be trusted.

To answer my own headline, yes there are correct ways to eat a muffin. This is a society, we have rules. Jesus Christ people.

**(Note: I’m cool with her so walking back to her desk was not as creepy or odd as it sounds. We chat every now and again. Don’t creep on girls at work.)